


Hands

by Double99



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Non-Clones (Orphan Black), Bullying, F/F, Growing Up, Romance, Teen Romance, Teenagers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2019-02-18
Packaged: 2019-08-22 03:09:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 37,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16589705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Double99/pseuds/Double99
Summary: They’re both struggling with their insecurities and communication barriers, trying to fit in and make friends. A strong friendship is born when those two young girls cross paths, but what happens when one of them eventually develops some romantic feelings for the other?  Will their friendship last?Teenage Cophine





	1. Barbecue

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! The idea for this fic crossed my mind last week and I decided to give it a try, even though it's probably done a thousand times already. I don't know where mine is going, but we'll see.
> 
> Just a little reminder that English isn't my first language, so please skip this fic if that bothers you. I'm doing my best :D
> 
> PS: I'm not going to abandon my other fic, but I'm just not the type of person who can focus on one thing at the time, it makes me restless. So to the people who are reading my other story: don't worry :)

“Delphine!” she called through the door of my bedroom, making me groan in annoyance. “Can you please hurry up?”

“Coming!” I responded, irritation seeping through my tone as I glanced at myself in the mirror. I’m wearing the light blue summer dress that Jane had bought me for this special occasion. It’s a little too modest for my liking, but I’m not going to argue with her tonight. I reached inside my makeup bag and grabbed my mascara, applying it to my lashes as she knocked on the door again.

“Delphine, your dad is already in the car.”

“I’m coming!”

I hastily slipped my feet into my silver sandles, fastened the straps around my ankles and opened the door. Jane looked me up and down, a smile forming on her face when she noticed the mascara on my eyelashes.

“You look beautiful Delphine,” she whispered, closing the top button of my dress to cover up my small cleavage. “The straight hair looks great on you.”

“Merci,” I blushed, following her outside. The hot sun immediately attacked my pale skin and I suddenly realized that I forgot to apply some sunscreen to my face, arms and legs. I’m not looking forward to this stupid barbecue at my father’s boss’ house, I don’t get why I have to come too, but my dad insisted on it and here I am… in the backseat of Jane’s luxurious car, praying this wasn’t going to take all night. It’s Saturday for God’s sake, I know all my friends live in Lille, but that doesn’t mean I want to spend my free evening at some huge mansion and meet my father’s new coworkers. I let out a soft sigh as I plugged my headphones into my iPhone to listen to French music, making me miss my hometown immediately.

My father and I moved to San Francisco during my summer break, to live with Jane, his girlfriend for two years. I’m still angry at him for pulling me out of school. I didn’t want to leave my friends, didn’t want to give up my ballet lessons. I have to start all over again and it’s not easy to make friends when people already know each other for years.

“Delphine,” my father said, reaching back to touch my knee. “I know you’re not excited about joining us tonight, but please don’t keep your headphones in all night, that’s not very polite. Try to engage a little chérie, you never know what it might bring you.”

“I am not interested in people from Berkeley dad,” I sighed, rolling my eyes. “I want to apply to Sorbonne once I finished high school.”

“You’re already making friends here sweetheart, you’re not going to move to Paris when you’re graduated.”

I ignored him and turned up the volume of the music, blocking out his voice. It’s true, I already made friends this week, but I don’t want to stay here all my life. My heart belongs to Paris. I closed my eyes and rested my head against the window, humming along with the melody of the song, when suddenly, my phone vibrated in the palm of my hand. I opened the text and smiled to myself when I realized that Lizzie just added me to a group chat.

**From:** Lizzie  
_Hi Delphine! We thought it would be nice for you to join our group chat since we’re your new friends now :P._

I responded with a little heart after Kate and Ruth welcomed me into the chat.

I instantly felt better, and just ten minutes later, Jane pulled the car up into a driveway. The house isn't as big as I had imagined, but it’s still very impressive and intimidating. We stepped out of  the vehicle and walked around the house, my eyes widening when I took in the garden. Children were jumping into the large swimming pool, squealing with excitement, three cooks were flipping hamburgers on three large barbecues, a group of waitresses walked around with plates in their hands, offering drinks to at least hundred guests and I even spotted a few horses in the distance. Mon Dieu, this is so far out of my comfort zone… and I can tell it’s going to be a long, long night.

“Wow,” I heard Jane whisper from behind me, probably thinking the same.

“Antoine!” a tall man with dark hair and blue eyes walked up to us, shaking my father’s hand. “Good to see you.”

“Thank you for the invitation,” my father said, curling his arm around Jane’s waist. “This is my girlfriend Jane, and this is Delphine, my daughter.”

“Nice to meet you ladies,” the man smiled. “Welcome.”

A tall brunette with brown eyes, wearing a tight fitting pink dress, appeared at his side, lacing her fingers through his. The woman looks absolutely stunning and I could hear Jane suck in a breath, obviously intimidated by the woman’s beauty.

“This is my wife Sally,” he introduced her. “And…. where is Cosima, Sal?” he continued, his eyes scanning the garden.

“Inside with her nose buried in a book,” the woman laughed. “I’ll get her.”

She walked inside the house and came back a second later with a short dreadlocked girl walking beside her. I noticed the girl’s black-rimmed glasses and nose ring as my palms grew sweaty. My breath hitched in my throat and my heart slammed against my ribcage as they came closer. Mon Dieu, that’s the girl from my Biology class, the girl that’s described by my new friends as odd, nerdish and freaky because she seems to live in another world. She always sits in front of the teacher’s desk, never interacts with others, never speaks, hasn’t got any friends and always sits alone at lunch breaks, reading some kind of Greek mythology book. It was my second day at my new school when I saw her for the first time.

“This is our daughter Cosima,” Sally smiled, squeezing her daughter’s shoulder in reassurance. “She’s a junior at Washington High.”

“What a coincidence! Delphine just started her junior year at the same school,” Jane exclaimed, making me want to shoot her. Merde.

“You know her chérie?” my father asked as I looked at Cosima, my eyes burning into her skin. Her eyes were fixed on the grass below her bare feet, a slight blush covering her cheeks.

“Non.”

Cosima snapped her head up and locked her eyes on mine, looking at me confusingly before she focused her gaze on her mother.

“You can go inside baby,” Sally whispered, stroking the girl’s cheek. Cosima didn’t waste any time, turned around and practically ran inside.

“I’m so glad you could bring your daughter with you tonight Antoine. Cosima has a hard time making friends and Delphine is new in the neighborhood, so… Sally and I thought that Cosima might feel a little more comfortable with someone who doesn’t know anyone yet.”

Ah! So, that’s the reason why my dad wanted me to join this stupid party. To befriend his boss’ weird and lonely daughter. I scared myself with my own thoughts. This is not me, but Lizzie, Kate, Ruth and all the other people in my school avoid Cosima. I want to be friends with them and I don’t think they will be very accepting if I bring Cosima into their group. Merde!

“Okay guys, grab a burger and something to drink and I’ll see you around. Delphine, you can just go inside if you want to,” the man encouraged before he walked over to the other guests.

“Papa ,” I sighed, grabbing his arm to get his attention. “I can’t believe you brought me here because your boss’ daughter doesn’t have any friends. Am I social worker now? I am not like mom.”

“Delphine!” he gulped, pulling his arm away. “Do you even hear yourself? This is not you. You’re always so sweet and kind to others, especially to the outsiders.”

“I know, but the people in my school don’t like this girl.”

“You just said you didn’t know her.”

“I don’t know her, because she never speaks or interacts with anyone. She’s always in her own little world. It’s a bit strange.”

“This is not how your mother and I raised you Delphine! You can’t form your opinion based on what the people in your school tell you. Just go inside, talk to her and maybe she isn’t weird at all.”

“And what if she is?”

“Then, I’m not going to push you further.”

“I’m just scared that my new friends won’t tolerate it if I’m going to spend time with this girl too.”

“Sweetheart, I know you’re sixteen and you desperately want to fit in, but people who’ll make a big deal out of this… they’re not the kind of people you want in your life.”

“Your father is right Delphine,” Jane whispered, tucking a blonde lock behind my ear. “I was bullied horrendously when I was your age and believe me… it feels so good when someone actually shows a little interests in you, even when it’s just for an hour.”

“We don’t bully her Jane, she’s the one who avoids us.”

“Labeling her as weird and strange behind her back, without even knowing her, is also bullying in my opinion.”

“Hmm,” I hummed in agreement, a blush covering my face. I can’t believe I’m saying all these things about a girl I don’t even know, but I want to fit in so badly.

“Just go inside okay? Talk to her and see how she responds.”

“Fine,” I sighed, gathering all the courage I could find before I walked up to the house.

* * *

 

She’s sitting on the couch, her nose buried in the book she always carries with her. I cleared my throat to make my presence known, but she didn’t look up from the page she was reading. Okay… she’s either caught up in the story or ignoring me on purpose.

“Hey,” I tried again, my voice shaking. She still didn’t acknowledge me and I rolled my eyes in annoyance, tapping her shoulder. Her body jumped at the touch and she dropped her book to the floor. I quickly picked it up and gave it back to her.

“I am sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you, but I thought you were ignoring me on purpose.”

She didn’t look me in the eye while I spoke, but focused her eyes on my lips instead, causing me to feel extremely awkward all of a sudden. This girl is definitely strange. She shook her head and gave me a small smile, blushing furiously as she shrugged her shoulders.

“So… what are you reading?” I asked, trying to keep the conversation going, which is actually a lot harder than it should be.

The dreadlocked girl pushed the book into my hands, pointing at the title… _Treasury of Greek Mythology._

“Interesting.”

She merely nodded, flashing me a wide grin, while she kept staring at me. Is this going to be a one-sided conversation or what?

“Look, I am sorry if I offended you okay?” I apologized, feeling awkward again as she intensely studied the movement of my lips. “I just…”

“Cosima,” Sally’s voice filled the living room. “Did you offer your guest something to drink?”

I furrowed my brows together in confusion while Sally gestured her hands in a way I instantly recognized as sign language. I looked at Cosima who was blushing madly, avoiding my gaze as she answered her mother with her hands. Oh… oh my god. The realization suddenly hit me and I felt extremely stupid for not realizing it sooner.

“Can I get you a drink darling?” Sally asked me, already opening the fridge.

“W..water is fine,” I stuttered, glancing at the impossibly high heels the woman is wearing. She strangely reminds me of my own mother and my heart clenched in longing as I thought of her.

“Here you go Delphine,” she whispered, handing me a glass of water. “Just turn on the TV if you girls wanna watch Netflix or something.”

“Thank you Mrs. Niehaus.”

“Please call me Sally. No need to be formal.”

I took a sip of water, glancing at Cosima who was looking at her hands in her lap, tracing her fingers over the colorful pattern on the fabric of her long skirt. Sally left the room and I swallowed thickly, not knowing how to start another conversation with a girl who couldn’t talk.

“Cosima,” I said, touching her arm to get her attention. She looked into my eyes, before she glanced at my lips, waiting for me to talk. “Are you… deaf?”

She nodded, a furious flush creeping up her face as tears filled her eyes. Merde…

“You don’t have to feel embarrassed,” I smiled, rubbing her arm. So… that’s why she’s always sitting at the teacher’s desk, why she doesn’t talk to the other students. She must be so lonely, and I don’t think my new friends are aware of the fact that this weird girl is actually a deaf girl, closed off from the world around her. I can’t even describe how guilty I feel right now.

“You can’t talk?”

“I can,” she said in an San Francisco accent, surprising me immensely.

“Oh… I did not see that coming.”

She let out an adorable laugh and slipped her feet into her black flip flops, standing up from the couch.

“You wanna see my horse?” she asked, gesturing her hands.

I nodded and stood up as well, following her into the garden. We walked in silence, until we reached the wooden fence. Cosima clicked her tongue and slapped her palm against the wood, trying to get the horse’s attention. A beautiful white horse pinned his ears as Cosima’s voice filled the air. He walked into our direction, not bothering to walk a little faster.

“This is Pegasus,” Cosima beamed proudly, stroking his soft nose. “I got him for my seventeenth birthday a few months ago. He’s still trying to fit in with the others, just like me.”

She pointed to two other horses, but my eyes didn’t follow her gaze, I just stared at her, a little dumbfounded by the words that just rolled of her lips. So, she knows she’s an outsider, that people talk about her behind her back, but she doesn’t do anything to change it. She seems nice, I’m sure people will like her if they give her a chance.

“You don’t seem to speak very often,” I said. “At least not during our Biology classes.”

“That’s correct,” she nodded, gesturing along with her words. “I don’t like talking at school.”

“But why? You don’t sound like a deaf person at all. You speak quite well is what I’m trying to say.”

“I became deaf when I was eleven, so that’s why I don’t sound different, but the words I learned later on in life… let’s just say I pronounce those words differently and they sound weird when I say them aloud. Teens are not very acceptive and like to make fun of other teens… teens like me, but I can tell you’re not like them.”

I blushed lightly and I don’t know if it’s because of her compliment or if it’s because the way her hands move so gracefully when she speaks. It’s very intriguing and fascinating at the same time. I reached out to stroke her horse’s neck, smiling as he closed his eyes.

“People who like… stutter, or people who are deaf or blind, they make normal people feel uncomfortable and I don’t want that. So, I mostly keep my mouth shut to people I don’t know, but once I get to know someone a bit better… I can’t stop talking,” she laughed. “I really like your dress by the way.”

“Oh, merci.”

“What?”

“Ehm,” I started, realizing she probably couldn’t lipread a foreign word. “Thank you.”

“We should take Pegasus for a ride sometime,” she suggested, gesturing wildly.

“I ehm..”

“Oh shit! I’m too eager, I’m so sorry. Please, don't feel pressured.”

“It’s okay. Do you have friends outside of school Cosima?”

“Not really. I do have two male friends from my science club, and the house across the street was sold last week. I hope a nice family bought it, a family with a daughter my age. That would be totally awesome. My parents think it would be good for me to have a female friend at this age you know? So I can talk about girl stuff, now that I’m turning into a woman.”

“Hmm,” I hummed, opening my mouth to ask another question, but quickly closed my lips as Cosima curled her fingers around my wrist, dragging me towards a vegetable garden.

“This is mine,” she gestured proudly. “I love to grow vegetables like spinach, lettuce and different herbs.”

“You’re very lucky to have Sally and Gene as your parents, you have everything you need.”

“I do,” she smiled, touching my arm again. “We should go back. I don’t wanna take up all your time.”

“You don’t,” I responded, but she didn’t seem to hear me and guided me back towards the party. My father gave me a wink and Sally suggested that Cosima should show me her room.

“No mom, Delphine isn’t here to spend time with me. I’m sure she’d rather talk to those important people from dad’s work.”

“Cosima,” I sighed, rolling my eyes. “I really don’t mind okay? I would love to see your room.”

She flashed me her canines, and guided me up the stairs as I heard Sally whisper something to her husband.

“Welcome,” she smiled, spreading her arms wide as she made a little pirouette in the middle of the room. A huge kingsize bed was placed against a purple wall, study books lay scattered across the floor, and the entire ceiling was decorated with glow-in-the-dark stars and planets.

“Wow. It’s perfect.”

“Thank you,” she giggled, collapsing on the bed.

I felt free enough to lie down next to her, staring up to the ceiling as she rolled herself onto her side, her eyes fixed on my lips.

“Delphine?”

My name sounded strange and unfamiliar coming from her mouth, but that’s probably because she didn’t know how to pronounce it. I felt the urge to correct her, just like I always do whenever someone says my name wrong, but I quickly pursed my lips together when I realized it took her a lot of courage to even try to say it correctly. She’s doing her best and I don’t want to increase her insecurity about her speech.

“Yes?”

“My dad told me you and your dad moved here from France to live with his girlfriend. Do you get along with her?” she gestured while she spoke, her voice a little raspy, not used to talking this much.

“I do. Jane is really nice. She loves horses too.”

“Where is your mom? Do you still talk to her?”

“Only in my dreams,” I smiled, swallowing thickly. “She passed away after battling a severe illness. I was just ten years old.”

“I am sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.”

“Non, it’s okay.”

“I am happy for you that you get along with your dad’s girlfriend.”

“Yeah me too, but I am still angry at him, because we had to leave France. I had friends there.. and a boyfriend, but he doesn’t know that.”

“You know, sometimes breaking up with someone cold turkey is the best way.”

“Cold turkey?” I frowned. “What is that?”

“Oh, ehm, it means abruptly.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

“It still sucks though,” she whispered, squeezing my hand. “But you already made new friends right? Lizzie, Ruth and Kate?”

“Wow,” I giggled, still staring at the ceiling. “You really observed me this week didn’t you?”

“Sorry,” she chuckled, still gesturing her hands. “I always pay attention to the new ones, it’s fascinating to watch them… they always struggle to fit in.”

“I am not struggling.”

“Yes you are, just like me. For different reasons of course, but I can tell you find it hard too.”

I didn’t say anything and closed my eyes, feeling extremely tired all of a sudden.

* * *

 

“You seemed to like Gene’s daughter, sweetheart.”

“Hmm,” I hummed, staring out of the window. Cosima and I fell asleep on her bed two hours ago. Her mother called us from downstairs, because my father and Jane wanted to go home. Cosima acted a little strange the second we opened our eyes, jumping to her feet and apologizing over and over again while her hands flew through the air. I don’t understand why she felt the need to tell me that falling asleep together doesn’t mean anything. What does that even mean? Julie and I always fell asleep on my bed while we listened to music and she never apologized to me.

I looked up at the sky, the shimmering stars reminded me of Cosima’s ceiling, making me smile again.

“Sally told me you and Cosima fell asleep on her bed honey.”

“Yeah.”

“You must be tired after your first week at a new school. We’re almost home,” Jane reassured me, looking at me through the rear view mirror. I smiled at her as the screen of my phone light up. I quickly opened the message and read Ruth’s text in the group chat.

_How was your night Delphine? Did you survive the barbecue at your dad’s boss’ house?_

I smiled to myself and my fingers started typing as I created a response.

_It was so much fun :P  I can’t wait to tell you girls!_


	2. Mondays

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my goodness! Thanks everyone for encouraging me to go on with this fic! Here's the second chapter. Enjoy your weekend :D

I never really liked Mondays, but that sort of changed when the new school year started last week. Lucy, my favorite teacher ever, is back from her maternity leave _and_ her classes are scheduled on Mondays. Plus, I really don’t mind the fact that I only have two classes on the first day of the week, I mean… it’s the first day after the weekend okay? Everyone hates Mondays.

I shuffled through the hall, walked around the corner and glanced through the window of classroom 104. She is sitting behind her desk, thirty minutes early, just like she promised. I reached for the door handle and slowly opened the door, holding my breath as I stepped inside. She snapped her head up and her green eyes peered into mine as she gave me a sweet smile.

“Hey, you’re on time!” she said, her face full of surprise, and I instantly felt sad, because I would never find out what that voice sounds like. It must sound very confident and warm, just like her personality. “Come in Cosima.”

I’ve known her since my freshman year and she’s everything I want to be when I’m twenty-eight myself. A brilliant biologist, who loves teaching annoying and lazy high school students on Mondays. My father used to teach her when she was a student at Berkeley and he still remembers her as a hardworking and disciplined student. God, I really look up to this woman, it’s almost embarrassing.

I placed my leather backpack on the floor and pulled out my biology textbook, a notebook and a pen before I sat down at the table in front of her desk.

“Do you have any questions about today’s topic before class starts? Did you come across new words you don’t know how to pronounce?”

I shook my head and opened my textbook, flipping the pages until I reached chapter 9.

“Well that’s great. Are you gonna tell me if you _do_ have trouble pronouncing some of the words? It’s nothing to be ashamed of. The book is pretty detailed and profound.”

“I’m just going to avoid saying those words then,” I answered, signing while I spoke.

“You can’t avoid it when you’re a biology student at Berkeley.”

I could feel my face heat up and I quickly focused my eyes on the book. Lucy immediately touched my hand to get my attention and gave me a reassuring smile when I met her gaze again.

“Okay,” I whispered. “I did find some unfamiliar words, but I think I know how to pronounce them.”

“That’s good, you’re so smart. How was your weekend by the way?”

“M..my weekend?” I stammered, remembering by parents’ barbecue. She used to ask me that question every Monday before she had her baby. She’s looking after me since the first day of high school and I feel so safe and welcome around her. I tell her everything about my life and she seems to be okay with that.

“Yes? How was your father’s party?”

“It was allright. My parents invited a new employee and he brought his daughter with him.”

“His daughter?”

“Yes, because they’re still determined to find me a female friend,” I signed, rolling my eyes. “It’s getting a little pathetic now.”

“That’s nice of them Cosima, they worry about you.”

“I know, but it’s embarrassing. I’m not a child.”

“But don’t you think it would be nice? To have a female friend?”

“I don’t care,” I shrugged. “Scott is my friend.”

“Yes he is, but you can’t really talk about girl stuff with Scott right?”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know,” she laughed, squeezing my hand. “Clothes? Makeup? Feelings? Physical changes? Boys?”

“Ugh,” I groaned, shaking my head. “Sounds boring.”

“Okay then, tell me more about that girl at your dad’s party.”

“Oh, yeah it was Delphine. Super humiliating at first, but she talked to me eventually.”

“Delphine? That new student from France?”

“Yes. She was so nice to me, she met Pegasus and I showed her my room. She really liked my ceiling too.”

“Hmm,” she smiled. “Why are you blushing?”

“I AM NOT…” I gasped, touching my own face. My cheeks feel warm and I began to blush even harder.

“It’s okay Cosima.”

“What is okay?! What are you implying Lucy?!” I practically shouted, my hands flying through the air. I suddenly feel like a threatened animal, locked up in a cage, while his trainer pokes him in the ribs with sticks.

“I am not implying anything Cosima! I only asked you why you’re blushing. And don’t shout at me, I know you see me as your friend, but I’m still your teacher.”

“Sorry,” I whispered, averting my eyes. “We’re not friends? You talk to me and you show interest in my life.”

“I am like a mentor to you,” she smiled. “You can tell me everything and we can talk about if you want to.”

“So, you’re my therapist at school?”

“If that’s what you wanna call it.”

I let out a huff and couldn’t help but feel a little rejected. I am convinced she was implying something when she asked me that question. Delphine was just being nice to me at the barbecue and I was too excited because I never really speak to anyone my own age, except for Scott. Yes, it felt good to lie down next to her when we were talking on my bed and yes, she’s gorgeous and I can totally understand that the boys in my class are practically drooling over her whenever she enters the classroom, but that doesn’t mean I am drooling over her too. I am not interested in her that way… I think.

I’ve been questioning my sexuality since last Christmas. My parents took me to the Seychelles to celebrate the holidays together and that’s when I kind of met Carmen, a beautiful girl from Spain with blonde hair, green eyes and a tanned skin. She looked absolutely perfect in her pink bikini and I spent every morning at the swimming pool, staring at her from my lounge chair. We never spoke to each other, we only locked eyes once, but she made me feel things I had never felt before. I’ve never experienced anything like that again, so maybe Carmen was just very mysterious and it didn’t mean anything.

“Lucy?” I whispered, my bottom lip trembling as I felt a wave of shame crawling up my spine.

“Yes?”

“I am not gay okay? I’m not into girls.”

“I didn’t say that Cosima.”

“I’ve never had a crush on a girl.”

“What about boys?” she asked, looking at me with a serious expression on her face. “Have you ever been in love with a boy?”

“No, but that doesn’t automatically mean I like girls. My mom says I’m a late bloomer Lucy. I enjoy reading books and playing games with Scott. I’m not interested in boys yet.”

“Okay,” she smiled, standing up to open the door. A few of my classmates entered the classroom, talking to each other as they walked past my table without looking at me. I wonder how Delphine is going to act today. The seat next to me is free… maybe she’s gonna sit… oh my God. There she is. My eyes traveled up her impossibly long legs, taking in the bare flesh of her calves and thighs. The jeans shorts she’s wearing make her legs look even longer. _Her blonde curls are bouncing around her_  shoulders and the white color of her hoodie makes her skin look tanned. I swear this girl is a reincarnation of Helen of Sparta herself. Holy watershed.

Our eyes met for a split second and I curled the corners of my mouth into a smile, but she quickly looked away and walked past my table without acknowledging me. Damn! Maybe I made her feel uncomfortable when we fell asleep together. Maybe she’s embarrassed for spending time with me? Maybe her new friends don’t approve of our… friendship. If you can even call it a friendship after just one night.

The hour flew by and I could only think of Delphine. I can tell she’s staring at me. One of the benefits of being deaf is a strong development of the other senses, and I can feel her eyes burning into my back. I shifted my attention to Lucy, forcing myself to focus on her lips.

“Okay class. We’re going to do a biology experiment, an experiment with ants you can do at home. I am asking you to team up with someone and build your own ant farm together. I want you to take notes about their behavior and communication for the next six weeks. Try to experiment with temperature, food, light and whatever you can come up with. Every duo will present their findings to another duo in October.”

I froze in my seat as bile crept up my throat. Duos… right. I can tell from experience that nobody wants to be on my team, so I guess I’ll have to do this experiment by myself… again.

“Okay we have 24 people in this class now that Delphine joined us, which means no one has to do this experiment alone.”

Shit. No, no, please. This is not happening. She can’t be serious.

“You’re all old and wise enough to form duos without my help, but Delphine you’re new and I want you to team up with Cosima.”

I swallowed thickly while my heart slammed against my ribcage, making me physically ill. I really want to become friends with Delphine, but I don’t want her to feel pressured.

“No Lizzie! Delphine is forming a duo with Cosima. End of discussion,” Lucy said, locking her eyes on mine.

I slowly turned around and looked at Lizzie, who was articulating so clearly that I could read her lips from miles away.

“But Cosima is a mute! She hasn’t said a word in two years. How do you expect Delphine to work with her?”

I quickly turned around again, staring at my biology textbook as I tried to push back tears. I did my best to ignore the heated argument between Lucy and Lizzie, thinking of my horse, Delphine’s smile, the growing vegetables in my garden, Delphine’s smile, my trip to Istanbul with my mother, Delphine’s smile, until a soft hand touched my bare arm, making me jump in my seat.

The girl that’s been constantly on my mind since Saturday night sat down next to me, holding a plastic box in her hands.

“So, this is for our ant farm,” she smiled. “You don’t have to talk back if you don’t feel comfortable speaking right now.”

I felt immensely grateful for her thoughtful suggestion and I couldn’t contain the smile that was forming on my face.

“Look Delphine, you can work with Lizzie. You don’t have to form a team with me if you don’t want to,” I whispered, trying to keep my hands still, which didn’t feel natural at all.

“No. I want to work with you. I was going to ask you.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

I can’t describe the feeling that’s swirling through my chest, my heart is fluttering and the smile on my face is so big that it literally hurts.

“Where do we get the ants?” she asked, tucking her hair behind her ears.

“I guess we have to catch them ourselves,” I whispered, pushing my book into my backpack. “I’ve done it once when I was like six.”

“So, you’re gonna catch an ant colony and fill this box with sand?”

I let out a soft chuckle and took the box from her hands.

“And what’s your contribution to this experiment mademoiselle Cormier?”

I instantly felt insecure, blushing furiously. I don’t even know how to pronounce that French word, but it tumbled from my lips before I knew it.

“Nothing,” she laughed, ignoring my horrible pronunciation and embarrassment. “You’re the ant expert here.”

I groaned and rolled my eyes at her before I flashed her a toothy grin.

“Do you…” I began, feeling incredibly awkward. “Do you wanna come over to my place after school? To fill this box together?”

“Of course, but I need to go home first. I promised Jane to water her plants.”

“Sure, no problem. I wonder if they found someone to replace Mrs. Jackson today.”

“To teach History?”

“Yes.”

“Kate just told me that they’ve found someone. I didn’t know you’re in that class too.”

She stood up and swung her backpack over her shoulder, carrying the box under her left arm.

“I’ll see you there Cosima.”

* * *

 

I wonder where they dug up the ancient fossil that’s standing beside the digital screen, trying to figure out how it works. He’s from a time where they used a chalkboard and crayons to teach kids, that’s how old he is. His age makes him the perfect person to teach History, it’s kind of funny to be honest.

I’m sitting alone again, in front of the teacher’s desk. I secretly hoped that Delphine would sit down next to me, but she’s sitting with her new friends, and I can’t blame her of course. She likes them, she’s new, they like her, and they welcomed her into their social group. God, I really need to stop thinking about her. I don’t know why my brain is so interested in Delphine.

I quickly focused my gaze on the teacher, whose name I hadn’t catched when he introduced himself. He has a moustache and a beard, which makes it impossible for me to read his lips. He’s telling a story about Napoleon and he’s completely into it, his hands are flying through the air and his eyes don’t meet mine, making it even harder for me to keep up with the story. His hands are confusing my brain, gesturing wildly, but it doesn’t make any sense. It’s as if he’s speaking my language with a thick and heavy accent. You’re trying to understand every word that this person is saying, but it sounds so different that you can’t figure it out. I gave up after fifteen minutes and decided to do some self-study about Napeleon at home. I grabbed my mythology book out of my backpack, allowing myself to step into another world.

I was so caught up in my book that I almost screamed when the man slammed his fist on my table. He was so close to my face that I could smell his breath and count the wrinkles on his angry face.

“You’re not listening are you? I told you to repeat my words,” he growled, his lips were so close, that I could read them easily. I gaped at him, my eyes wide as my heart began to beat wildly. Repeat his words? No, no, please, no. He snatched the book out of my hands, his face growing red with anger.

“You’re reading a book! I’m hired to teach you something about history dammit! Your behavior is so disrespectful young lady!”

I wanted to apologize, explain that I couldn’t hear and couldn’t read his lips because of his excessive facial hair, but nothing came out of my mouth. I was completely paralyzed and frozen in my seat.

“Get out! Meet me after class, so you can write me an essay about Napoleon.”

My body began to tremble and tears started to flow down my cheeks. Detention? Me? This can’t be real. I think I’m having a nightmare and I can’t wake up… I’m sure I’m tossing and turning in my bed right now.

“GET OUT!” he shouted, causing me to cry harder. I covered my mouth with my hand to stifle the sobs that escaped my throat, feeling extremely humiliated. I slowly rose from my seat, stuffed my book in my backpack and ran towards to door, locking my eyes on Delphine’s hazel ones. She was as white as a sheet, staring at me with a shocked expression on her face. The other kids where whispering to each other, and I hastily left the classroom, slamming the door behind me.

* * *

 

“Here you go,” my mom smiled, handing me a cup of tea. “Dad’s gonna call Lucy tonight.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s her job as your mentor to inform the other teachers about your disability honey.”

I cringed in my seat when my mom signed the word that I hate so much. I can tell she’s doing her best not to cry. My mom worries the most about me, treats me like a child sometimes and is very protective, whereas my dad thinks I should be a little more assertive, he lets me solve my own issues and treats me like a full-grown adult. I know I’m very intelligent, but I’m not an adult yet and he seems to forget that sometimes.

“I’m not going to call her Sally, Cosima is old enough to talk to this guy herself. He’ll understand if she just explains. He’ll also forgive her for not meeting him after class.”

“Gene, look how upset she is! You know she hates talking to strangers.”

“Exactly, and that’s why she needs to do this herself. She’ll graduate next year Sal. I’m not going to call her professors at Berkeley when Cosima is upset because of something they said.”

“Gene, I can’t…”

“STOP IT!” I screamed, surprising myself and my parents. “Let’s not argue about this okay? It’s just a stupid miscommunication between him, Lucy and me. I don’t want us to fight. Delphine will be here soon… I think.”

“Delphine?” my mom said with a surprised look on her face. “How nice is that sweetheart! Is she staying for dinner too?”

“No mom, let’s not overwhelm her okay? I don’t want to screw this up.”

“You’re not going to screw up Cosima,” she signed, tears of joy filling her eyes. “You’re such a sweet girl. I’m sure she wants to be your friend.”

“Hmm I don’t know,” I shrugged, not fully convinced. “Can we use the lab? Lucy gave us an experiment to work on.”

“Oh… is that the reason why she’s coming over?” she gestured, her smile faltering.

“Yes? Why?”

“Nothing honey,” she said, putting on a fake smile. “Of course you girls can use the lab.”

I stood up from the couch, climbing the stairs before I entered my room. I looked at myself in the mirror and quickly decided that my outfit wasn’t very flattering, so I replaced my jeans for a maxi-skirt and grabbed another bra from my drawer, one that makes my breasts look a little bigger. I unfastened the bra I was wearing and threw it on the bed before I put on the other one. I was just fastening the clasp behind my back when the door of my bedroom slowly opened. A soft gasp escaped my mouth and a furious flush spread across my face when I saw Delphine standing in the doorway.

“Oh my God,” she gasped, blushing too. “I’m so sorry. Your mom said I could go upstairs, I knocked and called your name, but you didn’t respond.”

“It’s fine Delphine. Don’t worry about it.”

“Do you want me to wait outside until you’re finished?”

I wonder what her voice sounds like, her lips are so full and glossy. She must have a very elegant way of speaking, like she sings every word that comes out of her mouth.

“Cosima?”

“Ehm… no, we’re both girls right? Just sit down on my bed if you want. Gimme two seconds.”

I hastily put on a black tank top and tried to calm my racing heart. Was she staring at my bra or was I imagining it? Oh my God, why is this so awkward?

“Cosima,” she said, touching my wrist to get my attention. “Are you okay?”

“Sure.”

“I hope you’re not going to be mad at me, but I told Mr. Davis the reason why you didn’t pay attention to his story.”

My eyes grew wide and I swallowed back another round of tears.

“You did what?” I huffed, clenching my fists in anger. “Delphine, this will give them another reason to bully me.”

“Them? Who? What are you talking about?”

“Your new friends,” I accused, gesturing wildly. “No one knows I’m deaf Delphine, and I desperately tried to keep it that way.”

“Cosima…”

“No!” I cut her off, digging my nails into my palms. “You had no right.”

“I didn’t tell the others. I walked up to him when class was over and everyone already left. Don’t worry okay? He’s not mad at you, he even feels a little guilty for shouting in your face.”

“Oh,” I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding and wanted to hug her, but I felt too nervous and didn’t want to ruin our budding friendship. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine. I get it,” she smiled, standing up from my bed before she picked up the plastic box. “Let’s go outside to catch an ant colony okay?”

“Hmm,” I hummed in agreement, following her out of my room, feeling incredibly happy while my entire body tingled from head to toe.


	3. Messages

“What’s her house like?”

“Are her parents just as weird?”

“Did she speak to you?”

“Does she have any siblings?”

It’s barely 8.30 am and the girls began bombarding me with questions the second I entered the school building. I don’t feel very comfortable telling them about Cosima’s private life, but I’m also feeling kind of powerful and popular right now.

“It was okay. Her parents are very nice people,” I said, remembering yesterday afternoon. Cosima and I built our ant farm together and studied it in her parents’ lab… well… Cosima studied the ants and I took notes. We were so caught up in our little science project that we completely forgot about the time, so Sally ordered us pizza and I left the house around 9 pm.

“She lives in a small apartment right? I don’t know why, but I have this feeling that she’s from a poor family,” Lizzie snorted, taking a sip of coffee.

“Ehm,” I started, feeling conflicted again. “She lives in a mansion actually. With a swimming pool and a private lab in the basement.”

“Really? So that’s why she doesn’t speak to us? She’s too arrogant? She thinks she’s better than us?” Ruth huffed, her eyes wide.

“No that freak is a mute, okay? It has nothing to do with money or status,” Kate stated, looking me straight in the eye.

I felt anger bubble up inside me and opened my mouth to tell them the truth about Cosima, but I quickly pursed my lips together. “ _You had no right_ …” I know Cosima would never forgive me if I tell them.

“What do you think Delphine? Did she speak to you while you were at her house?”

“I ehm…” I stuttered as my cheeks turned a light shade of pink. “She… she’s not…”

“Oh my God, shhh,” Ruth shushed me. “There she is.”

Cosima walked into the cafeteria, dressed in denim dungarees and a white t-shirt underneath. Her dreads are pulled up into a big messy bun and her leather backpack slung over one shoulder. She looks like she hasn’t slept at all last night and somehow… that worries me.

“Well, she certainly doesn’t dress like a millionaire,” Kate laughed as Cosima came closer.

“Shut up you idiot,” Lizzie hissed, clenching her fists as she gritted her teeth. “She might hear you.”

A loud snort erupted from my throat and I quickly focused my eyes on the table when the girls shot me a confused look.

“What the…” Ruth whispered. I shot my head up and noticed that Cosima was walking into our direction. “She can’t be serious right? I guess she thinks that you’re her new bestie now Delphine.”

Cosima reached our table, her eyes boring into mine as she gave me a weak smile. It was silent for five agonizing seconds, until Lizzie opened her mouth to speak.

“Are you gonna say something or are you just gonna stand there?”

Cosima didn’t look at the brunette and kept staring at me, a pleading look in her eyes. I know she wasn’t ignoring Lizzie on purpose, she just couldn’t hear her.

“What the fuck is wrong with her guys? Seriously,” Lizzie laughed as I smiled back at the dreadlocked girl, ignoring Lizzie _on purpose._

“Do you want to talk to me?” I asked, reminding myself to speak a little slower than usual so Cosima could read my lips. She gave me a small nod and turned around, shuffling towards the vending machine. I quickly followed her, my friends’ laughter echoing through the cafeteria. It’s making me so angry, and I want nothing more than punch them in the face, but I’m new and I don't want to create a bad reputation for myself in my second week.

“What is it? Are our ants still alive?”

“Yes,” she whispered, facing the machine so no one could see or hear her speak. My heart clenched painfully inside my chest. I truly don’t understand why she refuses to talk in front of the others, she speaks very well, especially for someone who can’t hear. “Don’t worry about them. I just wanted to let you know that I had fun last night.”

“Oh,” I sighed in relief. “Yes, me too.”

“Okay.”

“Yeah…”

“I ehm,” she mumbled, blushing lightly.

“Maybe I can come over later?” I suggested, not wanting to make this situation even more awkward.

“Oh I’m sorry, but I’ve got other plans tonight… science club right after school and I promised Scott to grab a burger and fries afterwards.”

“Scott?” I asked, raising my eyebrows. “You’ve never mentioned a boyfriend.”

“He isn’t,” she answered, blushing even harder. “I don’t have a boyfriend.”

“Okay, well… maybe I can stop by another time?”

“Yes of course,” she said, giving me another smile. “I guess I’ll see you around.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“Bye.”

“Au revoir.”

She walked away and I let my eyes follow her until she disappeared into a classroom.

* * *

 

The morning hasn’t been very exciting so far, but I’m looking forward to Chemistry after our lunch break, because Cosima will be in that class as well. I entered the girls’ bathroom and smiled at the two seniors who were talking to each other at the sink, gossiping about other girls… of course. I don’t understand why girls always feel the need to criticize other girls. I mean… we’re going through the same things at this age right? We should be a little more supportive of each other, but according to Jane, it’s not very different when you’re an adult. I don’t want to be like them, so… that’s why I decided to explore a potential friendship with Cosima instead of avoiding her just because everyone else does. I shuffled into a stall, pulled my panties down my legs and sat down on the toilet, while my eyes took in the written messages on the stall door. So, apparently, Michelle loves Raymond, Gina is a bitch, Vicki fucked John, and Cosima is a dyke.

I gasped in horror and my heart began to beat furiously. _Cosima is a dyke_. Non, c’est impossible. This is probably a stupid rumor and I shouldn’t believe those ridiculous secret messages that are based on nothing but gossip and backstabbing, but somehow… it would make sense. Maybe that’s why she felt the need to apologize when we fell asleep on her bed. I quickly finished peeing and ran out of the stall, washed my hands without drying them and left the bathroom, my heart pounding inside my chest.

“Jeez Delphine, what took you so long?”

“I..I… nothing.”

“Okay…. are you okay? You look like you’re gonna puke.”

“I’m fine Lizzie,” I snapped, walking as fast as I could, trying to lose the brunette along the way. I wasn’t very successful, because Lizzie followed me into the classroom and sat down next to me.

I’m not sure for how long I’ve been staring at Cosima’s back, but it must have been fifteen minutes at least, because I haven't written anything down during the teacher’s instructions. We had to form duos again, but only for the remaining forty-five minutes… thank God.

“You’re my partner,” Lizzie decided, not asking for my opinion. I glanced at Cosima, who was doing this chemistry experiment on her own. She doesn't look bothered by it, in fact, she looks quite relieved, but it doesn’t feel right to me.

“Yo, earth to Delphine,” Lizzie chuckled, waving her hand in front of my face.

“Sorry,” I whispered, focusing my eyes on my partner. “What were you saying?”

“What are you thinking about?”                                    

I don’t want to tell Lizzie, but I’m too curious and scooted closer to her.

“I went to the restroom at lunch…”

“Really?” she laughed, rolling her eyes sarcastically.

“Yes, and I read the written messages on the door.”

“Oh Delphine, ninety percent of them is bullshit.”

“I know, but there is one about Cosima too and I want…”

“Oh yeah, that one definitely belongs to the other ten percent.”

“Seriously?” I gasped as my heart rate sped up once again.

“Of course! That’s obvious isn’t it? Cosima is super gay.”

“How do you know? Did she come out?”

“She doesn’t have to,” Lizzie giggled, clearly enjoying this conversation. “She has feelings for Lucy.”

“LUCY?” I practically shouted and saw a few heads turn in my direction.

“Shhh,” she shushed. “Come on, don't tell me that this surprises you.”

“Lucy from Biology? Mon Dieu.”

“Yes, of course. I mean, Cosima is very in awe of her, since the very first day of high school to be precise. They always meet thirty minutes before class starts and I don’t know why. They can’t exactly have a conversation can they?”

“Are you saying that Cosima and Lucy are having an affair?” I gulped, trying to calm my racing heart. This sounds like a bad teen movie, the ones I usually really like.

“No, of course not. Lucy has a boyfriend and a baby. She’s just being nice to Cosima, but Cosima is in love with her. Obviously.”

I could only nod and tried to take notes as Lizzie completed the experiment, but I wasn’t really paying much attention. My mind was preoccupied with thoughts of Cosima. Could she really be gay? And if so, does she have feelings for Lucy? It’s not like I’m against homosexuality, but I don’t want the entire school to think that Cosima and I are a couple if I’m going to spend more time with her. I don’t want to read my name on a stall door. Merde.

I pushed my books into my backpack when class was over and was about to leave the classroom, when a soft hand touched my arm. I spun around and stared right into brown eyes, eyes that were sparkling with… happiness.

“Delphine,” Cosima whispered, dragging me out of the room and into a corner in the hallway. “Scott just texted me, his cat died, which means I’m not gonna grab dinner with him.”

“O…okay,” I stammered, opening my water bottle in an attempt to moisten my dry mouth.

“Do you still wanna come over?”

“Of course,” I nodded, giving her a sweet smile. This gives me the opportunity to ask her about Lucy. “I’ll see you around seven.”

“What?”

“Seven? Is that okay?”

“Yes, perfect.”

* * *

 

“Oh hi Delphine,” Sally exclaimed, touching my shoulder. “Come in darling, Cosima is upstairs.”

The memory of Cosima clad in only a long skirt and a push up bra flooded my brain.

“I’ll wait here. I don’t want to invade her privacy,” I said, blushing furiously.

“Don’t be silly. You’re not invading Cosima’s privacy dear. She’s just reading a book, nothing private,” she chuckled, pushing me towards the stairs. “Third door on the left, but you already knew that.”

I climbed the stairs and knocked on Cosima’s door, rolling my eyes when I realized she couldn’t hear me. I curled my fingers around the door handle, opening it slowly, and smiled to myself when I saw her lying on her bed with her nose stuffed in her favorite book.

“Delphine,” she said happily, placing her book on the nightstand before she sat up. “I’m so sorry, I lost track of time.”

“Don’t worry, that’s okay,” I smiled, sitting next to her, my back resting against the headboard. “How was your science club?”

“It was fun,” she shrugged. I turned my head to the side and that’s when I noticed a faint streak of eyeliner on her cheek. Cosima locked her eyes on mine and offered me a weak smile. Her eyes are red and puffy.

“Have you been crying before I got here?”

“Yeah,” she nodded, pushing her glasses on the top of her head. “I’ve had a fight with my parents.”

“You wanna talk about it?” I asked, reaching out to rub her arm.

“I don’t know Delphine. My parents are worrying about me going to college. Can you believe that? It will take at least another two years before I graduate.”

“What do they worry about?”

“Me living on my own without the ability to hear and they’re scared that I’m gonna lock myself inside when I’m all alone, which means that there’s a high chance that I'll become socially isolated and lonely.”

“Is it an irrational fear?”

“No,” she whispered, averting her eyes from mine. “It’s not.”

“Cosima,” I said, squeezing her hand to get her to focus on my lips again. “Do you know what might help you to prevent that from happening?”

“I hope Scott will come with me to Berkeley, but I’m afraid that he’s gonna apply to Stanford.”

I didn’t really know what to say to that, so I kept my mouth shut and gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze.

“My parents want to get me a hearing dog,” she suddenly said, gesturing gracefully.

“Oh,” I breathed, blinking at her. “And I guess you’re not happy about it?”

“Of course not! It will make me feel even more different and retarded.”

“That’s harsh Cosima.”

“It’s the truth,” she laughed humorlessly. “It will only raise more questions.”

“But it can be positive too right?”

“How?”

“Well… your fellow students at Berkeley are definitely gonna ask questions, so you’ll never have to start a conversation yourself. You can just explain them that you’re deaf and you don’t have to be mysterious about it.”

“I’m not sure if that’s a good thing Delphine.”

“Why not? I think it will be hard for you at first, but I also see a positive side. You’ll have to go out more, you’ll meet new people, and a dog can help you with practical things around the house or at school.”

“Yeah, I don’t know,” she said flatly, clearly not wanting to discuss it further. “You wanna go out for ice cream or something?”

“Well…” I started, smiling at her. “Maybe we should stay here and talk a little more.”

“About what?”

Okay, maybe I should have thought this all the way through… before I came here. I don’t have an actual plan and I don’t want to insult her. Shit…

“I… what do you think of our teachers?”

I seriously hope that question isn’t too obvious.

“Our teachers?” she laughed, raising her eyebrows at me. “They are allright I guess, except for that old fossil who teaches History.”

“Hmm,” I hummed in agreement. “I think Mrs Sparks is very nice.”

“Eva Sparks? Your Geography teacher? I’ve never really spoken to her, so I can’t say.”

“Do you have a fave?”

“I do. I really like Lucy.”

I swallowed thickly and a knot started to form in the pit of my stomach while my hands grew sweaty. Maybe it’s true… maybe Cosima is gay. I don’t really care if she is, but I doubt that the school is as accepting as I am.

“You like Lucy?”

“Yeah,” she smiled, a huge grin forming on her face as a bright twinkle appeared in her eyes. “I look up to her. I wanna be like her when I’m her age. My father knows her too, she was his favorite student.”

“That’s cool,” I nodded, braiding my hair nonchalantly. “So, are there any cute boys in senior year? Or ones that I need to avoid?”

She let out a hard laugh and pulled her legs up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them.

“I don’t know to be honest, I don’t pay them much attention, but I strongly advice you to ask Lizzie if you want to know. She fucked at least three of them.”

Okay, right… gossiping about Lizzie and her random hookups is very tempting, but I’m here to get to know Cosima a bit better and I think I need to be more straightforward.

“How come you don’t pay attention to boys? There are some pretty hot ones walking around right?”

“I don’t know,” she whispered, shrugging her shoulders. “I’m just not interested in them yet. I’m late with everything Delphine. I’m not like most girls.”

Oh God… here we go…

“W… what do you mean?”

“Ehm, I don’t know. I’m not sure what I can tell you okay? I’m not familiar with female friendships and I don’t know what’s appropriate to share.”

“Do you tell Scott everything?” I asked, feeling comfortable enough to lie down on my side, my head resting on a pillow.

“No way,” she blushed, mimicking my position. “We only talk about science, Runewars and school stuff.”

“Okay, female friendships are totally different. We girls tell each other everything.”

“Evertying?” she asked, eyes as big as saucers.

“Yes, unless you don’t feel comfortable telling me.”

“You do realize you just called yourself my friend right?”

“Yes,” I giggled, slapping her arm in a friendly way. “I want to be your friend.”

“Holy watershed, that’s awesome. My mom will be so proud,” she beamed, tears welling up in her eyes.

We stared at each other for a few seconds, not knowing how to continue this conversation, but Cosima was the first to speak again.

“You had a boyfriend in France right?”

“Yes, that’s correct.”

“Can I ask you an inappropriate question about that relationship now that I’m your friend?”

“Of course Cosima,” I chuckled, brushing a dreadlock out of her face. “You can ask me anything.”

“Did you and…”

“Nathan,” I said in a thick French accent.

“Nathan…” she repeated and I inwardly cringed at how his name sounded in an American accent.  “Like… were you guys intimate with each other?”

“Non,” I shook my head, ignoring her awkwardness about the subject. I’m not sure why she’s so awkward about it, but I guess it has something to do with her lack of friendships. It’s pretty normal to me, I often talked about boys and sex with my friends back in France. “We did kiss and fondle a bit, but nothing more, because we weren’t ready yet.”

“Do you talk to your other friends about stuff like this?” she wondered, still blushing madly.

“Yes,” I nodded. “That’s a pretty normal thing to do Cosima.”

“I occasionally talk about it with my mom, she’s like my best friend and she’s a psychologist specialized in sexology. She runs her own practice, so it isn’t as weird as it might sound like,” she giggled nervously. “But she’s still my mom, so it can be awkward sometimes, especially when she talks about some of her clients during dinner or when she asks me embarrassing questions.”

“I can imagine,” I chuckled. “But it’s a good thing that you feel comfortable talking about it… with your mom I mean,” I said, pushing myself up on my elbow, missing my mom intensely. “But what about you Cosima? What’s your experience so far?”

“Ehm none? I’ve never had a boyfriend, and like I said, I’m late with everything.”

“Everything? Like… you also haven’t kissed anyone yet?”

“No, is that abnormal?”

“Of course not,” I smiled, stroking her wrist. “You shouldn’t do things you’re not ready for.”

“Yeah, I agree. My mom made me promise to wait until I’m ready, to wait for a person who is special to me,” she blushed, gesturing wildly.

“She’s right. You don’t wanna be like Lizzie.”

She let out an adorable laugh and rolled herself onto her back, folding her hands behind her head before she gave me a charming smile.

“No, I definitely don’t.”

The silence that followed was slightly uncomfortable and I didn’t have a clue how to approach this. How do I ask her about her sexuality without offending her? Maybe she isn’t even gay, or not ready to come out yet. Mon Dieu… maybe I need to let it go.

“Delphine?”

“Yes?”

“Do you have a certain type that you’re attracted to?”

“No not really, you?”

“Ehm…” she started, fumbling with the clip of her dungarees. “I’ve never been attracted to boys, so I don’t know.”

“Never?”

“No.”

“Okay,” I whispered, swallowing hard. This is your chance, come on Delphine. You’ll never get a chance like that again. “Have you ever been attracted to girls?”

She tensed up beside me, all color draining from her face, before she bolted upright and crawled off the bed. Oh shit…

“Excuse me?” she huffed, her eyes almost popping out of her skull.

“I.. girls? Do you like girls Cosima?”

“NO! WHAT THE FUCK!” she suddenly screamed, clenching her fists in anger.

“Cosima, I’m sorry. I just thought that…”

“Delphine, I’m not gay okay? I’m not gay. I’m not gay. I’m not gay,” she kept repeating herself hysterically and it made me wonder who she was actually trying to convince.

“Why are you getting so defensive then?”

I pushed myself up into a sitting position, my eyes glued to her face. She’s as white as a sheet and her bottom lip is trembling. I can tell she’s going to cry.

“I’m not getting defensive! I just don’t understand why you assume that I’m gay.”

“I don’t assume anything Cosima,” I lied, sighing deeply. “I just asked you a question. There’s nothing wrong with asking questions right? You asked me one about Nathan.”

“That’s different and so what if I am a lesbian Delphine? Are you going to end our friendship if I am? My God, this is the shortest friendship I've ever had. How humiliating.”

“Of course not! I don’t care if you’re into girls. It wouldn’t change a thing. I was just wondering.”

She buried her face in her hands and a heartbreaking sob erupted from deep inside her chest, making me jump off the bed. I took her in my arms and let her cry for a few minutes, stroking her back without saying anything.

“Oh my God,” she cried. “I’m so sorry, this is so embarrassing.”

There was a knock on the door and Sally stepped inside, giving me a concerned look.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” she apologized when she saw us standing there, me holding her daughter in a tight embrace. “Is everything okay Delphine?”

“Yeah,” I nodded, smiling at her. Cosima turned her head and practically jumped to the other side of the room.  
  
“Oh my God, mom!” she gasped, her hand clutching her chest. “Get out!”

Sally apologized again and closed the door as I sat down on the edge of the bed.

“Come here.”

“I’m making a fool out of myself,” she whispered, wiping the tears from her cheeks as she sat down next to me.

“You can tell me everything you know that right?” I offered. “You’re still my friend.”

“Delphine, I’ve never told anyone this, not even my mom or Lucy,” she said, tears filling her eyes once again. I reached out to rub her back, offering her some comfort. “I’ve been attracted to a girl once. Carmen, from Spain. She was constantly on my mind and I even dreamed about her, but it was only once… I’ve never been attracted to another girl after that.”

“You know,” I said, smiling as Cosima focused her eyes on my lips. “Maybe that’s because you haven’t crossed paths with a girl like Carmen yet. You’re seventeen Cosima, you’re late with everything, you’ll get the answers when you meet someone like her.”

“Maybe you’re right Delphine. I’m just so confused about my sexuality. I know I don’t like boys and I have this feeling that I never will, but girls… I can’t possibly say that I’m gay based on one stupid teenage crush that didn’t last longer than a week.”

“Maybe you should take your time to figure things out. Don’t rush it.”

“Thank you Delphine,” she whispered, wrapping her arms around my neck before she pressed a soft kiss to my cheek. “I’m so glad that you wanna be my friend.”

I could feel my face heat up and my right cheek began to tingle as I felt my stomach tighten. A disturbing image of Cosima kissing me on top of Nathan’s bed invaded my brain. My heart fluttered and I closed my eyes as I instinctively turned my head to the side, ready to press my lips against hers. My eyes flew open and I pushed Cosima away before I could make the biggest mistake of my life. She opened her eyes as well, looking extremely confused. I don’t think that she’s aware of the fact that I almost kissed her.

“I… I ehm,” I stuttered, jumping to my feet, a look of horror on my face. “I…”

“Oh God Delphine,” Cosima gasped, eyes wide.

“Non.” I shook my head, averting my eyes from her and grabbed my keys from Cosima’s nightstand.

“Did I make a huge mistake?” Cosima laughed nervously, her eyes following me as I headed for the door.

“It’s okay,” I said sweetly, offering her one last smile before I turned around.

“Delphine… just..” I heard her say as I closed the door behind me, leaving the house in a hurry.


	4. Waterpark

“Sweetheart,” she whispered, placing my glasses on the bridge of my nose so I could see the movement of her lips. “You were pretty active and restless during the night. What’s going on in that brilliant mind of yours?”

I shrugged my shoulders as she reached out to rub my arm. She’s been sleeping in my bed since Tuesday night… since Delphine left the house in a hurry… since I hugged Delphine and kissed her on the cheek. My mom is worried sick about me, she has no clue what’s going on my life right now.

“Baby, you barely talk, you’re not signing as much and you even skipped your science club yesterday. Something is wrong Cosima, and I want you to tell me so I can help you.”

I just stared at her and closed my eyes, shutting her out. I haven’t seen Delphine since that night, she didn’t come to school and I have this feeling that even her friends don’t know where she is. I seriously hope Delphine didn’t tell them about the confession I made. She doesn’t seem like the type who would, but you never know.

My mother squeezed my hand, asking me to open my eyes and to focus on her lips again.

“Cosima,” she said, her eyes full of worry. “Is Justin bothering you again?”

I inwardly cringed as the familiar name tumbled from my mother’s lips. Justin… the boy who turned my life into a living hell. I met him in 9th grade, he just moved to San Fran because of his parents’ divorce. His mom is an alcoholic and his dad took off to Europe, leaving his son with his ex-wife. It started quite innocently: spreading rumors about me, mocking me behind my back and some name-calling. It wasn’t the first time that I had to deal with bullying. It all started in middle school. I was eleven years old… a “mute” girl with glasses and braces. The perfect target for bullies. Anyway, I hoped it would be over once I started high school, but nothing changed, thanks to Justin and his followers. The bullying became physical very quickly and my parents had numerous conversations at school, but nothing helped.

I still remember the worst moment of my life. I was fourteen and Scott and I went to a waterpark after school. We we’re having so much fun, until I spotted everyone from my class riding the slides, literally everyone, including Delphine’s new friends. Justin and I locked eyes, and I was about to turn around and drag Scott out of the waterpark, but I couldn’t move, frozen on the spot. I saw Justin shouting my name, pointing at me before he climbed out of the pool. He ran towards me and pulled the string of my bikini top, causing the fabric to sprang free from my chest. My breasts had just started to develop and they weren’t big enough yet to keep the bikini top in place. So, I stood there, on the edge of the swimming pool, my flat chest exposed to my entire class and a few strangers. I still see their faces when I close my eyes at night, laughing, shocked, worried… Scott responded like a real gentleman, wrapped a towel around my chest, guided me to the changing rooms and brought me home. He was the one who told my parents about the incident. I’ve never seen my mom so upset and distraught, but my father was furious and he visited Lucy at her apartment that night. It took me three weeks to go back to school and the event crushed all the self-esteem I had left. Justin does his best to ignore me since the incident, but what my parents don’t know, is that he still bullies me sometimes. I guess my existence triggers something within him… he can’t help it.

“Cos?” my mom tried again. “Is Justin the reason why you’re feeling down? Does dad need to call Lucy again?”

I shook my head, offering my mother a weak smile as a feeling of guilt swirled around in my stomach.

“Is it Delphine? Did you girls get into a fight?”

My bottom lip began to quiver and tears spilled from my eyes before I could stop them. A loud sob erupted from my dry throat, making me hiss in pain. My mother enveloped me in a warm embrace, hugging me tightly to her chest as I allowed myself to cry.

“Oh sweetheart,” she sighed, kissing my salty cheek. “What happened?”

“I…I…” I hiccuped, trying to activate my vocal cords after four days without speaking. “I gave her a hug.”

“Okay… so?”

“She left because she didn’t want me to hug her. Obvs.”

“Cosima, I don’t believe that for a second. I don’t know Delphine that well, but she would tell you if that’s the reason why she left so suddenly.”

_I can’t think of another reason mom_ , I signed without speaking the words, wiping the tears from my face. _She’s so nice and I don’t want our friendship to end because of this._

“Come on,” she said, tossing the seets aside. “It’s Saturday Cosima, you’re going to see Delphine.”

“Excuse me?” I huffed, sitting up.

“Go to her house and talk to her.”

“NO!”

“Yes.”

“NO!”

“Cosima, I’m not going to argue with you. You’re going to see her. End of story.”

My mom stood up, marched towards my closet and picked out a printed summer dress, underwear and my favorite sandals, putting the pile of clothes on my bed before she pressed a kiss on the top of my head.

“I’ll run you a bath sweetheart,” she said, leaving the room. I groaned in frustration and annoyance, but deep down in my heart, I knew I didn’t have another option.

* * *

 

“Hi Cosima!” Delphine’s father greeted me happily. “Delphine didn’t tell me you were coming.”

I wanted to tell him that his daughter didn’t know either, but I kept my mouth shut, not feeling comfortable enough to speak.

“Come in,” he said, touching my shoulder as he led me into the kitchen. “Delphine is out for a jog, but she’ll be back soon. Tea?”

I gave him a small nod, twirling a dreadlock around my finger as I sat down in one of the chairs. This is gonna be awkward.

“Are you here to give her your notes?”

I shook my head, swirling the spoon around in my cup of tea as Delphine’s father offered me a chocolate chip cookie.

“Please try one. Jane made them yesterday, they’re really good.”

I took the cookie from the plate and gave the man a smile, touching my chin with my fingers before I moved my hand forward, thanking him in sign language.

“Oh,” he smiled, looking surprised. “Delphine didn’t tell me that you’re deaf. I’m so sorry.”

I instantly felt extremely exposed and vulnerable. She didn’t tell her dad? Is she ashamed of spending time with me? Maybe she isn’t as accepting as she claims. Maybe coming here was a bad idea after all. I tried to come up with a polite way to tell him I had to go, but didn’t get the chance to do so when Delphine stepped into the kitchen, dressed in running clothes and sweating profusely.

“Cosima?” she said, her voice full of surprise. “What are you doing here?”

A furious flush covered my cheeks and I jumped to my feet, ready to leave the house. I looked at Delphine’s father, who shifted his eyes between his daughter and me.

“Delphine? Why didn’t you tell me that Cosima is deaf?” he asked, squeezing Delphine’s shoulder.  “I’ve been rambling about unimportant stuff… things she probably couldn’t follow, that’s quite rude don’t you think?”

“She can read your lips dad,” Delphine shrugged, pouring herself a glass of water, making me feel unwanted and stupid.

“You should have told me.”

“No, I don’t agree.”

“Delphine!”

“What?” Delphine shook her head, locking her eyes on mine. “It’s not important okay dad? Cosima is so much more than her deafness. I rather tell you about her intellect, her humor or our ant experiment.”

I couldn’t contain the smile that formed on my face and I let out a breath of relief when she tapped my arm.

“Let’s go to my room,” she suggested, already walking towards the stairs. I followed her upstairs and sat down on her bed, my back propped up against fluffy cushions. The walls are painted a light shade of pink, she owns a makeup vanity with a mirror and lights. The room looks very girly and is much smaller than mine.

“Those are beautiful,” I whispered, pointing to a pair of worn pointe shoes that hung above her bed.

“Thank you, those were my mom’s”

“Cool. Are you a ballet dancer too?”

“Yes, but I had to give up my ballet lessons when we moved here.”

“You can dance ballet in America too,” I laughed, opening the small pink jewerly box that was placed on her nightstand. My curious eyes took in the twirling ballerina, making me smile. The box was filled with earrings and I even spotted a beautiful diamond ring.

“Is there music in there too?”

“Yeah,” she nodded, taking the box from my hands. “But it’s super annoying.”

“I had one of those when I was a kid, but I can’t remember the sound it made.”

“You should be glad about that,” she laughed, sitting down next to me. A heavenly smell filled my nostrils and I quickly realized it was her natural scent. She doesn’t even smell of sweat, how that’s possible after such an intense work out?

“Look Cosima,” she began, speaking slowly. “I’m sorry for what happened at your house. I shouldn’t have left like that.”

“It’s okay Delphine,” I lied. “I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable, I mean… kissing your cheek a second after I told you I like girls… that was a stupid move. I totally get why you fled the house.”

“What?” she sucked in a breath, her eyes widening. “No! That’s not why I left! You can hug me or kiss my cheek. I’m French, I do it all the time. The fact that you like girls doesn’t change anything. You’re my friend and I feel comfortable around you. There is nothing in the world you can do or say that will change that.”

“Really?” I whispered, grinning madly as my eyes sparkled with happiness. “Oh my God.”

“Yeah, of course! I still want to give you hugs, I still want to invite you for a sleepover next weekend, you can sleep in my bed if you want and I’m still gonna change in front of you if you’re okay with that. Nothing is gonna change Cosima.”

“You wanna have a sleepover?” I whispered, my heart fluttering inside my chest. “With me?”

“Oui. We can watch movies or try beauty products or I don’t know… talk science?”

“Sounds perfect Delphine!” I exclaimed, already growing too excited. “I never had a sleepover.”

“Never?”

“No.”

“It’s gonna be fun,” she smiled, standing up from the bed. “Have you got any other plans today?”

“No, not really. I think I’m gonna do some gardening, but other than that… no, you?”

“I’m going on a double date.”

My mouth suddenly went dry and my heart began to beat wildly as a thin layer of sweat coated my palms.

“A double date?”

“Yes, Simon texted me this morning and invited me for lunch.”

“Senior Simon?”

“Yes.”

“That’s cool. He seems like a nice guy,” I whispered, gesturing along with my words. “So, who are the other two?”

“Lizzie and Justin.”

“J…Justin?” I stammered as bile crept up my throat. This can’t be true.

“Yes, you know him?”

“I ehm… yes. I’ve heard his name before.”

“He seems nice too, but I don’t know what to wear Cosima. Can you help me out?”

“Sure,” I shrugged, tears stinging my eyes as I tried to swallow back sobs that threatened to escape my mouth.

Delphine opened her closet and took out a few dresses before she threw them on the bed.

“Please pick one,” she encouraged, taking off her running shoes. “I’m gonna take a shower in the meantime okay?”

“Okay.”

I swallowed thickly, trying to moisten my dry mouth. I can’t believe Delphine is meeting Justin this afternoon. I hope he doesn’t bring up the incident at the waterpark. There’s no reason why he would do so, he’s probably too focused on his date, but I feel nervous and sick to my stomach nonetheless. I quickly shifted my attention to Delphine’s dresses, gliding my fingers over the different kinds of fabric as I tried to calm my racing mind. I really wanted to choose the modest blue summer dress she had worn to my father’s barbecue, so Simon wouldn’t get any inappropriate ideas, but I eventually picked out a sleeveless yellow dress with a white collar, convinced she’ll look absolutely gorgeous in it. She’s going to impress Simon for sure in that dress and she deserves a nice date.

“Have you made your choice?” she asked, stepping into the bedroom with a pink towel wrapped around her body. Fuck, she looks beautiful.

“Y…yeah,” I nodded, touching the yellow dress. “This one.”

“Perfect choice.”

She walked over to her closet and pulled out a pair of black satin panties and a simple bra, before she nonchalantly took off her towel and began to dry herself. I almost gasped in shock and inhaled sharply through my nose at the sight of a buck naked Delphine, standing less than three metres away from me. Holy watershed…

“Oh,” she said, eyes wide. “I’m sorry. Is this making you uncomfortable? I’m so sorry Cosima, I should’ve asked. I didn’t think about it, me and my female friends always changed in front of each other when I lived in France.”

“N…no it’s okay, I just didn’t see it coming,” I said, gesturing wildly. She looks genuinely shocked by my reaction… guilty even. For a second, I thought she was doing it on purpose, testing me or something, but I’m glad that isn’t the case.

“You’re not prudish are you?” she giggled teasingly. “We’re both girls Cosima.”

“No, you don’t get a chance to be prudish about something when Sally Niehaus is your mom,” I laughed, sinking back into the cushions.

“Good.”

I picked up the magazine that lay on her nightstand and focused my attention on an article about the lastest fashion trends, but it didn’t take long before I peeked over the opened magazine. Delphine is rubbing the towel over her belly and isn’t looking at me, but seems lost in thought. My eyes took the opportunity to take in her full breasts and pink nipples, her widened hips and round butt. Her body is definitely much more developed than mine… nearly full-grown already, even though I’m almost a year older. She dropped the towel to the floor and that’s when I noticed the absence of hair on her pubic mound… shaved. I guess that’s normal for girls my age, but I’ve never really thought about it for myself. I don’t know why, but I instantly felt insecure.

Delphine finished dressing herself and applied some mascara to her lashes as I opened my small purse and pulled out my red lipstick.

“Delphine, come here,” I said, patting the mattress. She shuffled towards the bed and sat across from me, tucking her legs under her butt.

“Yes?”

“Do you ever wear lipstick?”

“Non.”

“May I?” I asked, showing her the makeup.

“Sure.”

I cupped her jaw in my left hand, slowly dragging the lipstick over her lips, smiling when the red color appeared on her mouth. I could feel her eyes burning into me as I colored those full lips. Full feminine lips that are easy to read and probably very pleasurable to kiss.

“Rub your lips together,” I instructed.

She did as she was told and smiled broadly, showing me her perfectly white teeth.

“How does is look?”

“Beautiful. Simon is definitely gonna try to kiss you.”

“Hmm. I hope so,” she giggled, blushing madly.

“You do?” I asked in surprise.

“Of course, he’s nice and handsome. He’s allowed to kiss me.”

“What does it feel like?” I whispered softly, focusing my eyes on her red lips.

“Kissing?”

“Yes.”

“Wet,” she said, pushing her tongue through her teeth. “It kind of depends on the person you’re kissing to be honest.”

“Have you kissed a lot of guys?”

“Three,” she whispered and I felt grateful for her honesty. “Kissing is very intimate Cosima, it feels so much better when you’re kissing the person you’re in love with.”

“Yes?”

“Yes, I can’t really put it into words, but when a guy uses his tongue… it can feel a little rough and demanding, but when you’re in love with someone… that same kiss feels much better. You’re lucky that you’re a budding lesbian though,” she laughed, squeezing my shoulders before she curled her fingers around my neck, stroking the skin of my throat with her thumbs.

“Why?”

“I think women are a lot softer, their way of kissing is much gentler and their tongues are less demanding. But how could I know? It’s not like I’ve got any experience in that area,” she laughed again and I’m longing to hear what that laugh sounds like.

“I think you’re right Delphine, but I don’t know either.”

“I’m sure you’ll find out soon,” she smiled. I didn’t really believe it myself, but smiled back at her.

“I need to go Cosima, do you have any plans tomorrow?”

“No, not yet.”

“Okay well… Ruth told me about a waterpark for teens the girls always go to, maybe we can check it out tomorrow? It sounds like a lot of fun. Huge slides, whirpools, waterfalls and tube slides.”

Oh… my… God. I could feel all the color draining from my face and tears clouded my vision as I clenched Delphine’s sheets in my fists, my knuckles turning white.

“Cosima,” I heard Delphine gasp, but she sounded so far away. “Are you okay?”

I tried to answer, but nothing came out, my tongue felt thick and heavy in my mouth.

“Okay, lie down,” Delphine said, pushing me onto the mattress. I screwed my eyes shut, my heart pounding furiously, causing an unbearable pain in my chest. I inhaled deeply through my nose and exhaled slowly through my mouth, until my breathing turned back to normal. I peeked through my eyelashes and saw Delphine staring at me, wearing a worried expression on her face.

“Are you okay? What happened?”

_Yes, I’m okay. I skipped breakfast this morning_ , I signed without speaking, pushing myself up into a sitting position.

“What? Cosima, I’m sorry, but I don’t understand sign language yet.”

“Right, sorry,” I chuckled sheepishly, fumbling with my glasses. “I skipped breakfast this morning, I think I need to eat something.”

She opened the drawer of her nightstand and pulled out a pack of Skittles, pushing it in my hands. 

“Oh my God, I love these,” I exclaimed, putting the candy into my mouth.

“So, are we going to that waterpark tomorrow Cosima? Or are you scared of water?”

“No,” I shook my head. “I’m not scared, I’ve been there before and it’s not really my thing, but I wanna go with you if you wanna check it out.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,” I whispered as a wave of anxiety rushed through me. I need to do this, for her… for Delphine, my best friend.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so... I think I want to include Shay in this fic, that was the original plan, but I wasn't sure, so that's why I didn't tag her character for this story. One of the readers asked me to put her in and I would love to know if you also want me to include Shay in this one. Please let me know :D


	5. Dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Thank you all for the ideas, opinions and suggestions regarding Shay. I really appreciate it. Here is the next chapter. Hope you'll like it :)

“Come on Delphine, I’ll bring you home,” he said, placing his hand on my shoulder. I just swallowed the last sip of orange juice, but apparently, Simon can’t wait to leave the cozy restaurant. He reached inside the back pocket of his jeans and pulled out his wallet before he stood up, walking over to the counter to pay for our lunch.

“He’s so into you Del,” Lizzie whispered, squeezing my hand as she gave me a wink. “What do you think Justin?”

He didn’t respond, his eyes are glued to his phone since the moment we ordered lunch. Lizzie poked his side, demanding his attention.

“Eh,” he said, looking up from the device. “What?”

“Simon is into Delphine, don’t you think?”

“I eh… yeah, I suppose.”

My date came back a minute later and grabbed my hand, pulling me up to my feet before he curled his arm around my waist.

“Thanks guys, see ya later,” he said to our friends, turning around almost immediately after the words left his mouth. I can tell he wants to leave this place as quickly as possible and I hope it’s not because of me.

“Simon,” I whispered as he guided me towards his car. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, fine. I just can’t stand Justin, he is such a douche. I wasn’t looking forward to this date if I’m being honest with you, not because of you of course. You’re amazing.”

“Really?” I blushed, feeling special as he opened the passenger side door of his car for me.

“Yes.”

We have known each other for two weeks, but I already feel safe around him and I’m happier when I’m spending time with him. Simon started the engine and drove off the parking lot as he opened the glovebox and pulled out a cigarette pack.

“Want one?”

“Ehm,” I hesitated. I’ve only smoked once and I didn’t necessarily enjoy it, but I want Simon to like me. “Okay.”

He handed me a cigarette and lit up his own before he gave me the lighter. I inhaled deeply, suppressing a cough as the smoke invaded my lungs. 

“You’ve been spending quite some time with Cosima lately, haven’t you?” he asked, touching my knee with his right hand, his left hand resting on the steering wheel with a burning cigarette between his fingers. He looks extremely hot like this, but Mon Dieu, I hope he’s not going to interrogate me about Cosima’s behavior at school. I’m getting a bit tired of people asking me questions. I’m not good at brushing people off, but I don’t want to tell them about Cosima’s issues either… and I don’t like to admit it, but I still want to make new friends.

“Oui, you know her?”

“Not really. I mean, I don’t know her personally, but I met Cosima in sixth grade, so I know who she is.”

“Oh.”

It was silent for a while, a thousand questions swarming through my head. Has Cosima always been like this? Did Simon bully her when they were younger? Did Cosima…

“We were in the same class for only a month though,” he said, ending my thoughts. “She was so different back then, very expressive and talkative. Always the centre of attention and extremely intelligent.”

I could feel my heart skip a beat as I tried to picture the version of Cosima that Simon just described. Impossible.

“We’re talking about Cosima Niehaus, right?” I chuckled, raising my eyebrows at him. A charming smile tugged at the corners of his mouth, making me grin like an idiot.

“We are,” he nodded stroking my bare thigh as he kept his eyes focused on the road.

“What happened after that first month?”

“Cosima kind of disappeared into thin air. They didn’t tell us much, only that she was sick. She came back after eight months or so… completely changed. She didn’t speak anymore and refused to play with other kids. She was constantly reading books during class and that’s when the kids began to bully her.”

“Did _you_ bully her?” I asked, my tone stern and angry.

“No, I didn’t, but I didn’t do anything to stop it either,” he shrugged, opening the window to throw the filter of his cigarette on the road. I quickly copied his move, thinking that my father would not approve of this.

I could only nod, knowing how difficult it is to stand up for someone who is being bullied, you don’t want to become the target yourself. Merde…

“I feel guilty about it sometimes Delphine, the bullying became worse when Cosima started high school. I should have helped her, but she has you now. I’m sure she feels very lucky to have you as her friend.”

Tears were stinging my eyes and I swallowed thickly. I don’t want to hear this, I can’t bear the thought of Cosima being bullied.

“Do you know _why_ she changed that much?” I asked quickly, trying to change the subject of our conversation.

“No, I have no clue. I think she lost the ability to speak because of the disease she suffered from, but I don’t really know.”

“Yeah, you could be right,” I lied, lacing my fingers through his, stopping the movements of his hand on my leg.

“Anyway, Cosima was held back in sixth grade, because she missed a lot.”

“Really?”

“Yes, she’s turning eighteen this spring I believe. She should be a senior now too.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” I realized. I never thought of that.

Simon pulled his car up my driveway and turned off the engine before he shifted in his seat.

“Enough about her though,” he smiled, bringing my hand to his lips, kissing my palm. “You’re much more interesting and I had fun today.”

“Me too Simon. Thank you for this date.”

He shot me another charming smile and leaned in slowly, brushing his hand over my right arm, causing a pleasant tingle inside my chest. My mouth released a shaky breath and I closed my eyes before his lips touched mine. It was a hesitant kiss, our lips barely touching, testing the waters. I cupped his face in my hands and pressed my mouth harder against his, offering him some reassurance. My consent was all he needed, he swiped his tongue over my bottom lip while his confidence grew stronger. I slowly opened my mouth for him and welcomed him inside with a soft stroke of my tongue against his. I can tell that he has certainly done this before, he kisses me with passion and manages to stir a fire within me, making me melt into his touch. We explored each other’s mouths, hands roaming over arms and shoulders, until I had to break the kiss in order to breathe.

“Wow,” I whispered a little out of breath. “You’re good at that.”

“You too Delphine,” he chuckled, kissing the corner of my mouth. “I’ll see you Monday allright?”

“Oui,” I nodded, thanking him one last time before I left the vehicle and entered the house, walking on cloud nine.

* * *

 

_He is lying beside me, clad only in his boxers in which his manhood is straining painfully against the fabric. It looks a bit funny, a strong man on my bed, a muscular chest with a bit of hair, lying on my pink sheets and his head resting on my frilly pillow. His tongue is exploring my mouth, sliding it over my teeth and against my own tongue, making me moan softly. It doesn’t take long before he pulls down the straps of my white bra, sliding them over my shoulders as he began to kiss the swell of my breasts._

_“Simon,” I moaned, gliding my fingers through his blonde locks. He responded immediately and reached behind my back, tilting his head up to lock his emerald green eyes on mine, waiting for permission. I nodded nervously and took my bottom lip between my teeth. My lover gave me a sweet smile and unclasped my bra in one swift movement, making me wonder if he had done this before, but I didn’t dare to ask him. I don’t want to know._

_He rolled his body on top of mine, pressing his weight into me as his hand began to touch my breasts. He squeezed them softly, pressing them together before he tested the weight into his palms._

_“Fuck,” he cursed under his breath, kissing my left nipple. “You’re fucking beautiful.”_

_I moaned in response, rolling my hips against his, and moaned a little louder when I felt his twitching erection through my soaked underwear. I instinctively curled my thumbs around the edges of his boxers, sliding the fabric down his legs. He hastily kicked it off his ankles and took off my panties as well, pushing his thigh between my legs. We moaned in unison, panting into each other’s mouths before he pushed himself up on his hands, staring into my lust clouded eyes. My hands roamed over his chest, over his back and hips while my brain began to fantasize about what his penis would feel like. Warm? Soft? Hard? Throbbing and pulsing? I closed my eyes and placed a trembling hand on his inner thigh. The soft flesh I found there surprised me a bit, but that didn’t stop me from slowly dragging my fingers upwards, mentally preparing both of us for the next intimate step. I was ready to cup his testicles in my palm, squeeze them experimentally, but I let out a soft gasp when my fingertips were suddenly coated in wetness. I squeezed my eyelids together, my brows furrowed in confusion as I slid my fingers through an abundant wetness, a slick sex that was oddly feminine. An exposed pulsating clit against my palm, swollen outer labia throbbing against my fingers and slippery open inner lips teasing my fingertips. A guttural groan escaped my mouth and my breath hitched in my throat when a pair of small delicate hands touched my breasts, stroking the warm skin and sensitive nipples._

_My eyes flew open and I let out another gasp when brown chocolate orbs peered directly into mine. She’s completely naked, lying on top of me, her warm and soft female body pressed against me. It feels perfect, so absolutely perfect and I instinctively rolled us over, trapping her beneath me._

_“Delphine,” she whispered, closing her eyes as I tentatively pushed my fingers into her body. “God, yes…”_

_I touched her like I always touch myself, curling my fingers and thrusting in long slow strokes, moving my hand faster and faster, until she is writhing and trembling with nothing but pure pleasure._

_“Delphine, please, faster” she shamelessly begged, spreading her legs wider, opening her sex a little more. My hand picked up its pace, the muscles in my arm burning with fatigue, until her inner walls began to clench around my fingers, her orgasm washing over her. I didn’t want it to be over and kept going, until she grabbed my wrist, pulling me out of my haze._

_“Stop,” she panted, touching my sweaty face with her other hand. I gave her a wide grin and pressed my lips against hers before I whispered sweet words into her ear._

_“You’re amazing Cosima.”_

I slowly regained consciousness and the sound of chirping birds filled my ears as I tried to control my ragged breathing. Apparently, I somehow kicked off the sheets during the night, but I’m not cold at all. My body feels hot and relaxed. I rolled myself onto my back, and that’s when I realized that my right hand was inside my panties, drenched in arousal, my intimate flesh still swollen and sensitive.

Merde.

I bolted upright and gasped for breath as my heart began to beat furiously, thrumming inside my ribcage. Did I just…? Because of Cosima? Oh my God. No, no, no… it can’t be. My brain is just messing with me and projecting Cosima’s sexuality onto me. This doesn’t mean anything.

I leaned back into my pillow, relaxing my muscles as I glanced at the screen of my phone. I’ve received three messages and I groaned in annoyance when I began to read the first one.

**From:** Lizzie

_OMG how was your night Delphine? Did Simon inivite you over to his house? Justin totally did, best sex ever. X_

I rolled my eyes, shook my head and decided to ignore her.

**From:** Simon  
_Goodmorning beautiful! I hope you slept well. I dreamed about you, enjoy your Sunday._

I let out a soft snort and smiled broadly. I seriously hope Cosima did not invade his dream as well. Speaking of Cosima… she’s the third person who texted me this morning.

**From:**   Cosima

_Hi Delphine! My mom insist on dropping us off at the waterpark :S we’re gonna pick you up at 1 pm okay?_

I quickly texted her back and left the bed, craving a shower to wash away the dirty feeling lingering in my heart.

* * *

 

“Hi Delphine,” Sally greeted me happily as I took place in the backseat of her car. “Are you excited to see the waterpark?”

“Oui,” I nodded, fastening my seatbelt. “Super excited.”

“Good!”

I’m sitting behind her and I can see Cosima in the passenger seat, she gave me a quick smile and focused her eyes on her hands in her lap. She’s nervous, but I don’t know why. I have this eerie feeling that she doesn’t want to go to the waterpark, that she is doing it for me and I feel quite bad now, for asking her again after she almost fainted in my bedroom.

“Cosima told me you went on a date with Simon yesterday. Did you have fun?”

“Yes,” I whispered, a light blush covering my cheeks. “He’s a nice guy.”

“That’s good. Always pick a nice guy Delphine, the one who treats you like a princess.”

“I’ll try Sally.”

“I can’t wait for the day Cosima brings home a nice boy. I think it’s gonna give Gene a heart attack and he’ll give that boy a hard time for dating his precious little girl, but honestly … I can’t wait.”

“Hmm,” I hummed. Merde, this is awkward. I don’t feel comfortable lying to such a nice woman like Sally, but I can’t possibly be the one who tells her about her daughter’s interest in girls. I glanced at Cosima, who was picking at the threads on the hole in her jeans, her eyes fixed on her fingers.

“But I guess I’ll have to wait a few more years,” she chuckled, curling her fingers around the back of Cosima’s neck, squeezing it affectionately. “She’s nowhere near ready for that stuff yet.”

“Hmm? What are you talking about?” Cosima asked, raising her eyebrows at her mother.

“Boys.”

“Oh,” she shrugged, focusing her eyes on her fingers again.

“See?” Sally winked at me through the rearview mirror. “She’s gonna have her first boyfriend at the age of thirty.”

“Well, she shouldn’t push herself into things she isn’t ready for.”

“You’re absolutely right Delphine, no girl should.”

It’s strange and I don’t feel comfortable talking about Cosima when she’s in the car with us, unable to hear our conversation. It feels as if I’m talking about her behind her back.

“I’m glad you wanna give my daughter a chance Delphine,” Sally whispered, her voice shaking with emotion. “I’m so happy that she has someone to talk to . I mean, she’s very close with Scott, they have a lot in common, but Cosima is in the middle of puberty now and Gene and I think she needs a female friend in this vulnerable stage of her life, to talk about girl stuff she can’t discuss with Scott and doesn’t want to discuss with her mother.”

“Am I Cosima’s first female friend?” I wondered and I immediately regretted it. I should’ve asked Cosima that question.

“Cosima had a few friends in elementary, but that all changed when she started sixth grade. She didn’t have any friends for a few years, until she met Scott at her science club when she was fifteen.”

“O…okay.”

“Cosima is a little nervous about visiting the waterpark Delphine. I want you to know that. If anything happens, just call me,” she said, offering me her business card. I managed to suppress an awkward giggle when I read the card. _Dr. Sally Niehaus, sexologist_. Mon Dieu, I hope my father and Jane will not find it.

Sally parked her car in front of the waterpark and tapped Cosima’s shoulder to get her attention. She started signing to her daughter, her hands moving through the air without speaking. Cosima signed back, but rolled her eyes and grabbed her bag when her mother answered her.

“Have fun Delphine,” Sally said, waving at me before Cosima and I left the car.

“Are you okay?” I asked, touching my friend’s arm.

“Yeah, but my mom is so goddamn worried about me sometimes.”

“She really loves you Cosima.”

“I know,” she sighed, shaking her head and I knew not to push further.

* * *

 

I slid my green bikini bottoms over my thighs and grabbed my pink towel out of my bag before I left the changing stall, putting my stuff in a locker.

“Cosima,” I whispered, knocking on her stall door. “Are you ready?”

No answer… and I instantly felt stupid. I really need to stop doing that, she can’t hear me. It took Cosima another five minutes to open her stall door and I sucked in a breath as my eyes roamed over her body. She is thinner than I expected, I can see a few of her ribs and there is no fat on her hips yet. Her burgundy colored bikini looks great on her, but her breasts aren’t as big as they were in my dream.

“Delphine,” she whispered, blushing furiously. “Can you check the clasp of my top?”

She turned around, brushing her dreads over her shoulder to expose her back to my eyes. A smile formed on my face as I noticed the tiny moles between her shoulder blades and the dimples on her lower back.

“Is it closed?”

“Yes.”

“Are you sure? Please make sure it’s fastened.”

“It’s closed Cosima,” I affirmed again, glancing at her butt.

“No Delphine, please tug on it or something.”

She sounds like she’s on the edge of a panic attack, so I quickly reached out and took the clasp between my fingers, tugging on it.

“It’s closed, don’t worry.”

“Thank you,” she whispered, following me to one of the slides.

* * *

 

“Oh my God,” she laughed, rubbing the water out of her eyes before she placed her hands on my shoulders. “That was scary as hell.”

She looks different without makeup and glasses, much younger. I snaked my arm around her waist, pulling her flush against me and I smiled broadly at the feeling of her hips, belly and chest against mine.

“Come here,” I said, pushing the strap of her bikini top back in place. “That was a wild one. I could have lost my bikini bottoms. Mon Dieu.”

“Glad you didn’t Delphine. I’m hungry, let’s go.” She turned around in my embrace and I reluctantly let her go before I followed her out of the pool.

“Delphine,” she smiled, crawling onto her lounge chair as she opened a bag of crisps. “Those tube slides are fucking great too.”

“Hmm,” I hummed my agreement, wrapping the towel around my body before I sat down at the edge of Cosima’s lounge chair, filling my mouth with crisps. Cosima was tense and nervous in the first half an hour, but loosened up quickly. She’s even speaking to me in a normal volume, not whispering like she does at school, and she’s signing in public while she speaks, making my heart flutter with affection. She’s definitely having a good time and so am I.

“Cosima,” I said, focusing my eyes on my toes. “Maybe we should come here again, I really like it here.”

She didn’t respond and I tilted my head up to look at her face. Cosima wasn’t looking at me, but she’s staring at a blonde girl standing next to a whirlpool. A girl in a turquoise bikini, long blonde hair and pink flip-flops on her feet.

“Cosima,” I tried again, but still no response.

“Hey,” I said, raising my voice as I gave her shoulder a little shake.

“Ehm, sorry… what?”

“Are you okay?”

A furious flush colored her cheeks and she scooted closer, her lips brushing over my ear.

“That girl has a cute butt,” she whispered, touching my wrist.

“Cosima! I…I don’t know. I am not like you,” I responded, my voice sounded more accusing than I intended and a feeling of relief washed over me when I realized she couldn’t make out my tone. A cute butt? I did not see that coming… at all. I didn’t even know she payed attention to other girls’ curves. I hope she doesn’t say this because I’m dating Simon at the moment… I know how desperately she wants to fit in with her peers, but she shouldn’t say these things if she’s not even interested in them yet.  

“No Delphine,” she said, rolling her eyes. “I know you’re not like me.”


	6. Job

She’s in love…

They’re sitting together during lunch breaks since they went on that date last weekend. I’m happy for her, I really am, but I haven’t spoken to her since Sunday, the afternoon we visited the waterpark. The waterpark… my God, I was so nervous beforehand, but we had so much fun and it was actually the best Sunday afternoon in ages. We texted a bit on Tuesday night and that’s when she told me that Simon arranged a part-time job for her at his uncle’s restaurant. It took me a while to create an enthusiastic response, not because I’m not happy for her, she absolutely deserves it, but I… I’m jealous. I would love to make my own money, buy my own stuff, so I don’t always have to ask my parents to buy me new clothes when I don’t fit the old ones anymore, but no one is going to hire a deaf girl who refuses to speak to strangers. I hate being different, Delphine has her first part-time job at age sixteen and I’m not even sure if I’ll find a job once I’ve finished my studies at Berkeley.

So, it’s Thursday night right now and Delphine texted me an hour ago, asking me if I would like to come over because it isn’t very busy at the restaurant tonight. And here I am, standing in front of a small old restaurant with a pink neon sign above the door. It looks kind of shabby and the fact that this restaurant is located along a highway and open for twenty-four hours, says enough.

“Hi Cosima,” she waved at me as I stepped inside. She’s alone, standing behind the bar and she looks so grown up in her black polo shirt and with her hair pulled up in a messy bun.  

“Hi,” I smiled, grinning like a fool. “How are you?”

“Bored, I’ve only had two customers so far. It’s gonna be a long night, but I’m glad you’re here now.”

“Hmm,” I nodded, shrugging my denim jacket off my shoulders as I sat down on a barstool. “Are you alone?”

“No, Ted is in the kitchen. I’m not allowed to be alone.”

“That’s good.”

I instantly felt relieved. Delphine working in a small restaurant at night, all by herself, I hated the idea. Anything could happen, especially when most of her customers are old truck drivers who are on the road for weeks.

“Milkshake?” she asked, not waiting for an answer as she opened the fridge, putting a combination of milk and vanilla ice cream in a blender.

“Delphine, no! I didn’t bring any money,” I whispered as a slight blush covered my cheeks.

“That’s fine, it’s on me.”

“Thank you,” I said quietly, averting my eyes from her before she handed me the milkshake. “Where is Simon?”

“At work,” she answered, opening a can of diet coke.

“He doesn’t work here?”

“No, he works at the gas station at the end of this road. He’ll pick me up when my shift is over.”

“O…okay. He’ll bring you home?”

Please say yes… don’t tell me you’re staying over at his house tonight. You only went on a date once.

“Yes, of course,” she said as she studied my face, wearing a confused look on her own face. “Oh, you thought… God, Cosima, I’m not sleeping with him.”

“You can’t blame me for thinking that. You’re spending a lot of time with him Delphine!”

“So?” she snapped, clenching her jaw. “Is that an accusation?”

“No! I’m happy for you. You deserve it… I just… I miss talking to you at school and we didn’t work on our biology experiment this week.”

“Hmm,” she smiled, reaching out to touch my bare arm. “You’re right. I miss talking to you as well, that’s why I asked you to come over. I’m sorry for not spending time with you this week.”

“It’s cool. Don’t worry, I totally get it. Simon is a nice dude.”

“He is.”

A comfortable silence followed and Delphine turned around, grabbing a dishcloth to clean the bar.

“Delphine?” I asked after a minute or two, sipping my milkshake. “Can I ask you something?”

“Cosima,” she sighed, rolling her eyes. “You need to stop asking that, you know you can ask me anything.”

“Right… ehm… are you in love with him?”

“I don’t know,” she shrugged. “I like him… a lot. He’s very nice and we have a lot in common, but it’s different compared to what I felt for Nathan.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t compare the two,” I whispered, gesturing my words. “You’ve only known Simon for two weeks now and Nathan was your first love. That’s special.”

She gaped at me for a moment, probably shocked with the wise words that just left my mouth. Words about a subject I have no experience with.

“Yeah. You’re right.”

“I’m always right.”

My friend let out a hard laugh and took a sip from her diet coke, throwing her dishcloth into the sink.

“We did kiss though.”

“What?” I gulped, my eyes widening. “Oh my God, Delphine! I told you so! My magic lipstick did the trick! Was he good?”

“Yes,” she nodded, blushing madly. “Very good.”

“I’m happy for you,” I winked, giving her a genuine smile.

“Thank you Cosima.”

Two men entered the small restaurant, took place at a table by the window, and snapped their fingers at Delphine. A wave of anger rushed through me and I definitely would have confronted them with their rude behavior if I had the guts.

“I’m sorry,” she said, brushing her hand over my arm. “I’ll be right back.”

I pushed my glasses further up the bridge of my nose while my eyes followed her. Delphine took their order, and even though I’m not able to hear those two men, I can tell that they’re making a inappropriate joke, because Delphine’s body looks tense and she smiles uncomfortably while the guys are roaring with laughter. One of them, the oldest I think, suddenly took Delphine’s hand in his and I jumped up from my barstool, ready to defend her. He kissed the back of her hand and I felt the anger rise in me once more as I balled my hands into fists. Delphine quickly yanked her hand away, turned around and locked her eyes on mine.

“Cosima,” she hissed as she made them a cup of coffee. “Sit down. You're gonna cause a scene.”

“I saw that! That is not okay!” I hissed back, digging my nails into my palms. “What did they say to you? Something sexist?”

“No! Just stop it, you’ll get me fired if you’re gonna make a big deal out of this.”

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and counted to ten while Delphine gave them their coffee. I would love to have a job, serve coffee to guests, take their orders, but not like this and I can tell Delphine doesn’t enjoy this either. I can’t believe Simon arranged _this_ job for her.

“Do you still wanna have that sleepover you mentioned?” I asked, realizing I needed to change the topic before Delphine and I would end up fighting thanks to two simple men.

“Yes, but my dad and Jane invited a few friends over tomorrow night, so maybe we should do the sleepover at your house?” she suggested, squeezing my hand to calm me down.

“Oh,” I sighed in relief. I don’t like to admit it, but I was extremely nervous about staying at Delphine’s house for tweny-four hours, because I’ve never slept in someone else’s house in the past ten years or so. “Yeah, of course.”

“I’ve got an afternoon shift tomorrow and I’m going out for dinner with Simon afterwards. I can be at your place around 7?”

“Sounds perfect Delphine.”

She gave me a warm smile and shifted her attention to something that was going on behind me. I turned around and saw the two men standing up from their seats before they left the restaurant.

“Finally,” I chuckled, swallowing the last sip of my milkshake.

“Cosima?”

“Yeah?”

“I ehm…” she stuttered, focusing her eyes on her drink, playing with the straw. “How did you become deaf?”

I did not expect that question and my heart rate immediately responded to Delphine’s words, beating wildly as my mouth went dry. Apparently, Delphine noticed it too, because she reached out and touched my wrists, stroking my skin with her thumbs.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to talk about it. I was just wondering.”

I could only nod, understanding her curiosity, knowing she would eventually ask the questions that are swirling through her head, but I can’t talk about it.

“Is it because of an illness?” she whispered quietly, placing her hands on my shoulders.

“Yes.” I nodded, feeling so embarrassed that I couldn’t look her in the eye.

“Okay.”

Delphine surprised me immensely when she suddenly cupped my face in her hands and pressed her lips to my warm cheek. Well… the corner of my mouth to be exact. I know I don’t have a lot of experience with friendships, but even _I_ know this is a little too close for just a friendship, I’m not _that_ naive. Her lips lingered longer than they should and my body tensed up, not sure how to interpret this affectionate gesture.

A tall big man appeared from out of nowhere and I was blushing furiously when Delphine pulled away.

“Oh hi Ted,” she said, pointing at me. “This is Cosima.”

“Ah! So you’re Cosima? Delphine keeps talking about you. It’s driving me crazy, but it’s good to meet you darling.”

I raised my eyebrows at Delphine, asking for a further explanation, but she didn’t look at me and I knew she didn’t want to meet my gaze. Delphine and Ted talked for a bit, but my eyes couldn’t keep up with the movements of their lips so I grabbed my phone and saw a text from my mother.

**From:** Mom  
_Hi honey, are you still at that restaurant Delphine works at? It’s already 10 pm baby._

I groaned in annoyance, put on my denim jacket and tapped Delphine’s shoulder.

“I need to go, my mom wants me to come home,” I said, feeling embarrassed to speak, because Ted was listening too.

“Thanks for keeping me company,” she smiled, enveloping me into an embrace. “I’ll see you tomorrow around 7 okay?”

“Yes,” I nodded putting my hands in my pockets. “Bye.”

“Bye Cosima.”

I turned around and left the restaurant with a strange feeling swirling around in my stomach.

* * *

 

“Cosima,” he said, grabbing my arm to get my attention. I looked at his face, suppressing a smile when I noticed the three small cuts on his chin and jaw. He still hasn’t mastered the art of shaving and it makes him look silly.

“Yes, Scott?”

“I ehm… I was thinking… would you like to check out that new Tarantino movie tonight? With me?”

“Scott,” I smiled, tapping his shoulder. “I’m deaf remember? Going to the movies isn’t very fun.”

“B… but they have those special devices right? So you’ve got your own private subtitles?”

“Dude, those don’t work properly.”

“O…okay,” he stuttered nervously, glancing at his watch. “Wat about a drink?”

“I can’t Scott, I’m having a sleepover with a friend tonight.”

“A friend?”

“Yes, Delphine, she’s new in my class and we really get along.”

“Oh good for you Cosima,” he said, squeezing my shoulder. “What about tomorrow night?”

“Sure,” I shrugged, throwing my leather backpack over one shoulder. “Why not?”

“A…awesome. See you tomorrow then, I’ll text you.”

He gave me an awkward wave and practically ran towards Hell Wizard, his best friend. The skinny dude patted Scott on the back and handed him ten bucks… as if Scott just won a bet or something. I raised my eyebrows and shook my head as I walked towards the exit. I’ll never understand boys.

The sun was shining brightly through the clouds when I left the building. My eyes scanned the parking lot and I spotted my father’s precious black Audi on the other side of the road, waiting for me. I hope he wants to stop at Bennie’s Ice Cream Shop on our way home.

“Hi sweetheart,” he greeted me, stroking the back of my head when I sat down next to him. “How was science club?”

_Great!_ I signed, smiling broadly. _Can we go to Bennie’s for ice cream?_

“I don’t think your mom will be very happy with me if I’m gonna buy you ice cream before dinner,” he chuckled, making a U-turn.

_We don’t have to tell her._

“Hmm. We’ll see okay? We’re gonna pay a quick visit to The Rabbit Hole first.”

“Peter’s comic book shop? Why?” I asked, gesturing while I spoke.

“You’ll see,” he winked, squeezing the back of my neck. “It’s a surprise honey.”

_For me?_

“Yes.”

“Cool.”

Peter is one of my father’s best friends and he owns a dusty old comic book shop. The shop doesn’t look very inviting on the outside, but it’s a real paradise on the inside, if you’re into comics and games of course. Most of his regular customers are gamers, teenage boys and single older men. Peter himself is kind of a hippie and I’m not sure what he and my father have in common, but they met in college, so I guess their friendship is just very strong despite their differences.

_Is Peter still dating that archaeologist?_

“No, you’ve known Peter for seventeen years now Cosima,” he laughed. “He’s odd and kinda different… not exactly relationship material.”

“Yeah,” I sighed, hoping I wouldn’t end up like Peter. “Is it going to take long?”

“Why honey? Are you going somewhere tonight?”

“No, but Delphine will be at our house around seven.”

“Allright,” he shrugged, rubbing his thumbs over the leather steering wheel. “Plenty of time.”

“Dad?” I asked after a few silent minutes, feeling very nervous all of a sudden.

“Yes?”

_Please tell me what this surprise is, you’re making me nervous._

“Cosima, stop signing sweetheart,” he smiled as he grabbed both of my hands, pushing them in my lap. I know he hates it when I sign too much. He’s not ashamed of me, but he believes that I’ll slowly cut myself off from society if I choose signing over speaking. He’s afraid that I’ll grow more and more socially isolated if I stop speaking and he’s convinced that I’ll give up speaking entirely in the near future, he does everything to prevent that from happening.

“Just tell me what it is okay? I don’t like this.”

“You’re too curious,” he sighed, shaking his head. “I called Peter after you told me that Delphine has her first part-time job now, and I asked him if he could use an extra pair of hands.”

My body froze in its seat and my stomach tightened as bile crept up my throat. I could feel drops of sweat trickling down my back and I quickly opened the window the get some fresh air.

“A… a job?” I managed to choke out, my vocal cords trembling with panic.

“Yes, four hours a week for now. I already told him you’re busy with school and your science club. You’re welcome to help him on Saturday mornings. It’s good to build a resume and earn your own money Cosima.”

“DAD!” I shouted, tears streaming down my cheeks. “Please tell me this is some fucked up joke.”

“Cosima! Language!”

“I can’t have a job dad, I can’t fucking hear. How do you expect me to sell comics and games if I… for fuck’s sake. I can’t believe you did this. Does mom know?”

His silence tells me everything and I began to cry harder, my heart was beating so furiously that I was afraid it would come out of my ribcage.

“Honey, we’re gonna give it a try. I’m sure you can do it, you’re kind, smart and polite. Nothing can go wrong.”

My father parked his car in front of the comic shop and unbuckled his seat belt before he pressed a kiss to my tear-streaked face.

“Come on sweetheart, wipe your tears and let’s go inside. We’ll stay for only an hour okay?”

“I’m scared,” I whispered, my bottom lip trembling with the effort not to cry again.

“I understand Cos, I truly do, but you want to fit in right? You won’t feel different anymore when Delphine talks about her job at the restaurant or if Scott complains about delivering pizzas in the rain… because you can tell them about your job too, about those weird customers and you can give Scott a few comics for free.”

I couldn’t suppress the weak smile that tugged at the corners of my mouth and wiped my tears away, swallowing back another round of tears.

“What if I screw up? If I can’t help those customers because I can’t hear them, can’t read their lips or if I’m too anxious to speak?”

“We’ll figure something out Cos,” he smiled, stepping out of the vehicle and I quickly followed him.

The shop smells like old books and weed, I’ve never seen Peter smoke pot, but I’m sure he does.

“Hi Gene! Cosima!” he greeted happily, pulling us into a hug. “Good to see you here Monkey.”

I gave him a small nod, my eyes darting around the room and I felt a wave of relief wash over me when I didn’t spot any customers.

“Lost your tongue?” he asked, squeezing my shoulder.

“Cos is a little nervous Peter, because she’s…” my father stopped talking abruptly when a middle-aged man entered the shop, grabbed a board game and walked over to us. Peter curled his fingers around my upper arm and dragged me behind the counter, pushing a barcode scanner in my hand.

“This one please,” the man said, locking his grey eyes on mine. “It’s a present for my son. He’ll turn sixteen tomorrow.”

“O…okay,” I stuttered, scanning the box. “Cool, ehm… 23 dollars and 50 cents please.”

He handed me a his money, I gave him his change, and he thanked me before he left the shop. That wasn’t too bad and I immediately felt a little more confident.

“See, it’s not that hard Cos,” Peter smiled, handing my dad a cup of coffee.

Thirty minutes flew by and I think I’m doing a pretty good job so far. I’ve helped three costumers and I’m smiling again. This job isn’t as bad as I thought it would be and I think I want to come back next Saturday. I never thought I would be able to make my own money like Delphine and Scott. God, this is so cool.

I was unpacking a few boxes when someone tapped my shoulder, ending my daydreams. I turned around and my eyes took in the motorcycle guy with a beard and tattooed arms who stood in front of me. He looks intimidating and I instantly froze on the spot because of his appearance. He seems frustrated or angry with me, his lips are moving, he’s talking, but I have trouble reading his lips, because of his long beard. I quickly glanced at Peter, my eyes full of panic and I let out a sigh of relief when he rushed over.

“John, this is Cosima, my new employee. She’s deaf and I’m sure she can’t read your lips because of that ugly beard of yours. You need to shave it off dude.”

The intimidating motorcycle dude let out a hard laugh and shook my hand.

“Sorry Cosima, I can speak a little slower. Does that help?” he asked, the look in his eyes softening.

“Y…yes.”

“Good.”

“Come on John, lemme help you,” Peter suggested, so I could finish my task of unpacking those boxes.

It was already 7 pm when my dad and I decided to go home. I seriously hope Delphine isn’t at my house already, I hate to leave her waiting.

“So, Cosima, do you wanna come back next week?”

“I would love to!” I exclaimed, clapping my hands together in excitement.

“Perfect, I’ll see you next Saturday from 9 to 1 allright?”

“I can stay all day if you want me to. I don’t mind,” I smiled, looking forward to my first day at work.

“No, that won’t be necessary, I’ve got another employee, she works every Saturday afternoon from 1 to 5, but thanks Monkey.”

“Okay, thank you so much for this opportunity Peter.”

“You’ll have to thank your father Cos.”

My dad and I left The Rabbit Hole and stepped into the car. It’s already dark outside and I’m getting hungry.

“I’m so, so proud of you baby,” my father whispered, tears welling up in his eyes. “See? You can do so much more than you think. You’ve got so much potential.”

“Thanks dad,” I beamed, my smile so big that it hurts.

“You still wanna go to Bennie’s for ice cream Cos?”

“No, I wanna go home. I can’t wait to tell Delphine about this.”

 


	7. Feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! 7th chapter is up. I still have no idea what I'm doing with this fic, but okay...  
> I'm breaking my own promise in this chapter, because I'm switching POV in this one. It contains both Delphine's and Cosima's POV. Enjoy! 
> 
> I hope everyone had a fantastic Christmas btw :D

They probably don’t realize how thin these walls are, because they never had to be quiet when they got into a fight. We just finished dinner and Sally suggested that Cosima and I should watch TV and practically pushed us into the living room, closing the pocket doors behind us. Sally is furious, she’s screaming at her husband, her hands flying through the air in anger, while Gene sits stoic and silent at the dinner table, looking unimpressed with his wife’s tirade. They wouldn’t be fighting if they knew I could hear every word they’re saying.

“I can’t believe you did this! Behind my back?! Cosima can’t have a job!”

“And why is that?”

“Because she has a disability and social anxiety Gene!”

“That’s the perfect reason to get job Sal! It will boost her confidence and she’ll have to talk to strangers too.”

“GENE!” Sally shrieked, standing up from her chair. “Did you not hear me?! Your daughter isn’t like other kids. She’s different and you need to accept that!”

“And you need to stop treating her like a child! She’s seventeen for God’s sake! I know it’s hard for you that our little girl is changing into a woman, but you’re keeping her isolated. She’s your daughter, not your best friend.”

Cosima let out a soft chuckle, her eyes glued to the TV, completely unaware of the intense fight between her parents.

“And you... you,” Sally sputtered before she burst out crying. Gene jumped to his feet and took his wife into his arms, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.

“I just… you know I can’t deal with our daughter’s hearing impairment Sally. Our friends’ children, Delphine, Scott, they all have a part-time job outside of school, they’re going out with their friends… to parties, to the movies, sports games, whatever. She doesn’t have that Sal! Cosima is being bullied since middle school and I don’t want her to be different. How is she ever going to take care of herself without a job? Without friends? I’ve got sleepless nights and nightmares about her going to college and living on her own. I just can’t accept that she isn’t like other teens!” he shouted, smashing his fist on the table.

“I know sweetheart, but you have to. I know I’m too soft for Cosima, but you’re too harsh.”

Sally began to cry even harder and buried her face into her husband’s chest. They look broken, powerless and so desperate. I’ve never thought about it, but it must be hard for them, raising a child with a disability and who is also constantly being bullied by her schoolmates. They’ll probably always be worried about Cosima’s development and future and it’s making me incredibly sad.

“Maybe we need to go back to Catherine, get some more therapy to deal with this,” Gene suggested, stroking his wife’s hair.

“Again? I don’t know Gene.”

“But this isn’t healthy for our relationship either babe, we’ve been on the brink of divorce once because of this sweetheart, because we’re not on the same page about dealing with our daughter’s limitations. We’ve fought so hard to stay together. You don’t want to risk that again, do you?”

“Is that a threat Gene?”

“No honey, it’s not, but the older Cosima gets, the more fights we have. It’s always about her Sal, she needs to grow more independent. You’re sleeping in her bed again, it’s not good for our marriage sweetheart. I can’t even remember the last time we made love.”

Okay, I didn’t necessarily need to hear that. Gosh… they’re like fifty years old or something. Gross.

“Delphine, you don’t like this show do you? You’re not paying attention at all,” Cosima whispered, locking her eyes on mine.

“Yeah, sorry. Those subtitles are very distracting.”

“Okay,” she shrugged, using the remote to turn off the TV. “Let’s go to my room okay?”

“Yes,” I nodded, immensely grateful for the fact that I could escape this awkward situation.

We walked upstairs and I collapsed on Cosima’s bed, letting out an exaggerated moan when my back hit the mattress.

“How was your date?” she asked, taking off her shoes before she lay down next to me.

“It was nice, we ordered  way too much food for just two people, but it was good.”

“Did he kiss you again?”

“Yes, twice.”

She giggled nervously, a light flush forming on her cheeks as I rolled my head to the side to look at her.

“Why are you blushing?” I wondered, brushing the back of my hand over her cheek.

“Is he your boyfriend now?” she asked, avoiding my question.

“I don’t know, we’re not official.”

“Okay.”

“Are you happy with your first job?”

“Yes,” she beamed, nodding vigorously. “It’s amazing. I feel a lot more grown up and I’m looking forward to my first day. Peter will be there to help me out. I think this is the first time that I feel like a seventeen-year-old instead of twelve.”

“That’s great Cosima, I’m so happy for you.”

“Hmm,” she hummed in agreement. “Delphine? I don’t know what you’re expecting of tonight. I’ve never had a sleepover before.”

“We can observe our ant colony or we can watch a movie… paint each other’s nails?”

“Oh, that’s a great idea! Do you wanna paint mine?”

“Sure,” I smiled, standing up to check out her nail polish collection.

“It’s inside that top drawer,” she said, pointing at her dresser.

I opened the drawer and looked at the three small nail polish bottles; black, red and pink. So basic… so cute. It’s nothing compared to the thirty different colors I own myself. I reached out to grab the black one and shuffled back to the bed, sitting across from Cosima as I opened a playlist on my phone. The sound of Coldplay’s _The Scientist_ filled the bedroom and I instantly felt stupid when I noticed the confused look on Cosima’s face. Merde… playing music when I’m with friends is so normal to me, I didn’t even think of Cosima’s hearing impairment.

“I’m sorry,” I apologized, grabbing the device to turn off the music, but Cosima stopped me and took my phone in her hands, turning the volume up to its maximum. Now it’s my turn to look confused.

“I like this one,” she whispered after a few seconds, pressing her palm flat on the screen, her fingertips covering the speaker.

“What?”

“I like this one.”

“Yeah, I heard you,” I chuckled, touching her hand. “How do you know you like this song?”

“Oh, I ehm… I can feel the vibrations. The rhythm of the music flows through my body and I just love that feeling so much. I always put my hand over my father’s speaker in his car when he drives me to my science club. My mom never listens to music in the car, because it distracts her and I think that’s really stupid.”

“You can _feel_ music?” I asked, my eyes wide. Wow, she experiences the world so different than other people. It’s so fascinating.

“Yeah, I do.”

“That’s amazing Cosima.”

“It’s just my way of enjoying music.”

“Do you miss hearing songs? The words and melody?”

“No, this may sound crazy Delphine, but I enjoy music a lot more since… you know,” she said, touching her ears. “I simply listened to the words when I was younger, but now, I feel it in my whole body, my heart and soul. I can even get emotional sometimes, without hearing the lyrics.”

“Amazing,” I repeated, still astonished by her sensitivity and adaptive skills. “Do you like going to concerts?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never been to one since I became deaf.”

“Mon Dieu,” I breathed, stroking my thumb over her hand. “We should go together sometime.”

“Seriously?” she gasped, a big grin plastered on her face. “That would be totally awesome, to dance at a concert again.”

“You like dancing?”

“Oh yes.”

She jumped up from the bed and began to dance with her eyes closed, moving her arms through the air in graceful motions, her feet gliding across the floor.

“Come on,” she smiled over her shoulder, reaching her arm back to encourage me to stand up and move my own body to the rhythm as well. I slowly rose to my feet, feeling a bit self-conscious. I’m used to ballet and that’s all about technique and posture. I’m not good at improvising, but I began to move my body nevertheless, making Cosima smile even brighter.

“Go Delphine,” she laughed, clapping her hands together. We danced to another Coldplay song, Cosima’s movements are a little out of sync, but she doesn’t seem to care. I think she doesn’t even know that she’s not moving to the rhythm, but it’s beautiful to watch her… so carefree, elegant and confident. I love this version of her, it makes my body tingle all over. The song ended and switched to _Fix You_ by the same British band, but Cosima didn’t notice and was still moving around with her arms raised above her head.

“What?” she giggled, her eyes sparkling with happiness. “Why did you stop dancing?”

“This is a slow song Cosima,” I laughed, shaking my head in amusement.

“Oh.”

Her smile faded and she stopped dancing abruptly before she sat down on the bed again.

“What’s wrong? I wasn’t making fun of you or anything,” I said, taking her hand in mine, pulling her against me.

“Let’s dance together,” I suggested, draping my arms over her shoulders.

Cosima let out a shaky breath, tickling the skin of my neck as she placed her head on my shoulder and wrapped her arms around my waist. I began to move slowly, swaying our bodies to the music as my heart rate sped up and my throat became dry. She smells like an ocean breeze on a hot summer day and her skin feels like velvet, making me all warm inside. I don’t remember feeling like this with Julie or Brigitte, of course we danced together in my bedroom or at parties, but not like this, pressed up against each other and moving my hips so sensually against them. Every cell in my body wanted to push her away, tell her that I’m not interested in her… in girls in general, and cancel this sleepover, but something deep within me held me back from doing so. I can feel her hips, our bellies touching through our shirts and our chests so close that I am able to feel the softness of her small breasts against mine. It feels so absolutely perfect. We danced like that until the song ended, but I held her close. I could kiss her if she lets me…

Mon Dieu, what am I thinking?!

“You’re beautiful,” I whispered into her ear, knowing she couldn’t hear the words.

“What?” she responded as she broke away from my embrace, wearing a shocked expression on her face.

“The song is over.”

“Oh, right,” she whispered and I can tell she doesn’t believe me. “Do you still want to paint my nails?”

“Of course.”

“Who initiated the kiss tonight?”

“Excuse me?” I gasped, remembering my thoughts from seconds ago.

“Simon? Or you?”

“Oh, I don’t know Cosima, we both kind of did. It just went naturally.”

“Naturally… right… okay.”

It was silent while I painted Cosima’s nails. I was focused on the task and I bet that Cosima’s mind is thinking of Simon and me, trying to understand the words I just said.

“Delphine?”

“Yes?”

“Do you… like… do you… wanna have sex with him?” she asked awkwardly, yanking her hand away so she could gesture the spoken words as well.

“Cosima! I know that this is hard for you, but you’ll have to keep your hands still while I’m painting your nails.”

“Sorry,” she chuckled sheepishly, placing her hand flat on the mattress. “But do you?”

“I don’t know to be honest. It’s not on my mind constantly, but I think I’m more ready than when I was dating Nathan,” I said, not looking at her. “Let’s just say that I wouldn’t stop y… him if it happens.”

“So, you want it?”

“I guess.”

“O… Okay.”

I can’t tell if she’s satisfied with my answer. She’s nibbling on her bottom lip and her brows are furrowed in deep thought. I finished painting the nails of her right hand and switched to the other as Cosima began to speak again.

“You’re gonna do it safely right?”

“Of course,” I nodded, smiling at her. “You’re worried about that?”

“No, I know you’re responsible enough, but I just wanted to make sure.”

“Don’t worry Cosima. I’m on the pill and Simon has a pack of condoms in his nightstand. I’ve seen it when he asked me to get him a clean pair of socks.”

“You stayed over at his house?” she gasped, her eyes widening in shock.

“Non, we were out for lunch and it started raining as we walked back to his house.”

“Oh,” she whispered as a faint blush covered her cheeks. “That’s good, I guess. You don’t wanna end up pregnant.”

“Exactly,” I smiled, closing the nail polish after I was done. “Are you on the pill as well Cosima?”

“No,” she shook her head as the light blush on her face grew more prominent. “I wanna wait for a little while, I ehm… I just had my first period a few months ago and it hasn’t come back yet, so… I ehm… I just wanna wait.”

“A few months ago? That’s…”

“Late? I know. I’m always late Delphine,” she giggled. “Same reason as why I became deaf.”

“Because of the illness you suffered from as a kid?”

“Yeah, well, the treatment is actually the cause of my hearing impairment and delayed puberty.”

“Oh… I’m sorry Cosima.”

“Don’t worry about it,” she smiled broadly, waving her hands through the air to dry her nails. “Let’s watch a movie okay?”

“Sure.”

* * *

 

I peeked through my lashes and didn’t recognize my surroundings until I fully opened my eyes and  slowly realized I was in Cosima’s room… in Cosima’s bed. She’s lying beside me, her back turned towards me and breathing peacefully, still fast asleep. We watched a movie last night, talked about science and Cosima teached me a few hand gestures before we changed into our pyjamas and crawled into bed with a tub of vanilla ice cream. We fell asleep after midnight with the TV still on.

I left the bed and dragged myself to Cosima’s bathroom, closing the door behind me. I sat down on the toilet and closed my eyes, trying to wake up my foggy brain as flashes of my dream came back to me… Simon and I kissing on my bed, undressing each other, touching and stroking, until Simon changed into a naked dreadlocked girl with brown eyes and glasses. Merde! My brain needs to stop this bullshit. I don’t understand why it keeps projecting Cosima’s interest in girls onto me. It doesn’t make any sense.

I reached for the toiletpaper, but didn’t find any. Shit! I hate mornings like these. I quickly opened Cosima’s cabinet and smiled at the unopened packs of pads and tampons as I grabbed a roll of toilet paper, wiping myself before I flushed the toilet and walked back into the bedroom. I crawled back into bed and sucked in breath when an unconscious Cosima pressed her back against my chest, mumbling something inaudible into her pillow.

This is not okay, I should push her away, but my body had other ideas and completely relaxed against her, scooting even closer. A swarm of butterflies erupted in my stomach when her soft butt came in contact with my pelvis, this feels good… our bodies fit perfectly and it feels natural, almost as if we’re made for each other. My skin is tingling all over and I closed my eyes as I instinctively pressed my lips to the shell of her ear, but instantly regretted the action when Cosima stretched her body and let out a big yawn. I gently squeezed her shoulder and rubbed my eyes, pretending as if I just woke up as well.

“Goodmorning,” she mumbled, reaching out to grab her glasses from her nightstand.

_Goodmorning_ , I signed, making her laugh.

“That’s perfect Delphine. You’re a quick learner.”

“Girls?” Sally’s voice called through the door. “Can I come in? Are you decent Delphine?”

Decent? What is she thinking? That Cosima and I…? Mon Dieu! Did Cosima tell her mom about her sexuality after she told me? Or does Sally usually just burst into Cosima’s room? Yeah, she probably does because Cosima can’t hear her knocking… and it’s different now that I’m staying over.

“Yes, we are,” I responded and sat up against the headboard, putting a little emphasize on the word ‘we’.

Cosima’s mother slowly opened the door and walked into the bedroom, carrying a tray filled with croissants, fresh fruit and tea in her hands. The sight of her reminded me of my own mother and I felt my heart breaking into a million pieces.

“So, how did you sleep girls?”

* * *

 

“Did you and Delphine have fun last night?” my mom asked, her eyes focused on the road.

“Yeah.”

“Yes?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay,” she chuckled, tilting her head to the side to look at me as we drove past Peter’s comic book shop. “Tell me sweetheart.”

“I don’t know what to say,” I said, shrugging my shoulders. I feel weird, a strange feeling is swirling around in my stomach and I can’t really describe it. Delphine kissed my ear when I was waking up, she doesn’t know that I know, and I’m not sure why she did it. I’m not stupid, this is not what friends do in the morning, but Delphine is French, she kisses a lot of people on the cheek. It probably doesn’t mean anything. She likes Simon and she was in a relationship with Nathan… and they are boys.

“Okay,” my mom smiled, reaching out to stroke the back of my neck with her thumb. “Are you excited to see Scott?”

“Sure.”

“Cosima?”

“Yes?”

“Do you have feelings for him?”

“What?” I snorted, rolling my eyes. “No!”

“So this isn’t a date?”

“No mom! Jeez, he’s just my friend. Obvs.”

“Does he know that too?”

“What do you mean?” I gasped, turning my head to the side to look at her.

“I always have this feeling that Scott is in love with you honey. He’s always nervous and awkward when he’s around you.”

“Mom please. Scott is always awkward and nervous… around everyone.”

“Okay, if you say so… are you in love with someone right now sweetheart?”

“Nope,” I answered truthfully, shaking my head.

“Are you sure? I can totally understand if you do. You’re seventeen baby, you’re in the middle of puberty and your hormones are raging, it’s perfectly natural. Dad and I discussed it last night, and dad told me that Thomas asked him about you. You remember Thomas?”

“Ehm… no.”

“That cute blond boy? Our new gardener? Dad hired him last week. He’s constantly staring at you.”

“Oh,” I sighed, rolling my eyes again. “Yeah, now I remember.”

“Maybe you should go out with him tomorrow night?”

“NO! Mom! Don't interfere with my love life.”

“Love life?” she laughed, squeezing my neck affectionately. “You’re so cute.”

“Whatever.”

“Allright Cosima, if you have any questions about love, your body, feelings or sex, you can always come to me. You know that right?”

“Mom,” I groaned, checking the time on my phone. I’m late again. Great…

“Or you could ask Delphine, I can tell she’s very mature for her age Cos.”

“Right.”

“Cosima, do you think I’m too soft for you?”

“No, but you’re treating me like a child sometimes.”

“I know sweetheart,” she whispered. “It’s just… you’ve been through a lot and I’m still so worried about you. You’re a teenager now, but to me… you’re still that eleven-year-old girl we had to take to the hospital every day.”

“Yeah, I get it,” I nodded, squeezing her hand. “You’re my best friend mom and I love you.”

“I love you too honey.”

We continued the rest of the ride in silence, counting down the minutes until we arrived at the juice bar Scott invited me to.

“Have fun sweetheart and tell Scott I said hi.”

_I will_ , I signed, pressing a kiss to her cheek before I left the car.

Scott is waiting for me outside and gave me an awkward wave when he spotted me.

“Hi,” I smiled, opening the door for us. We seated ourselves at a table by the window and I ordered myself a spirulina smoothie after Scott ordered himself a strawberry one.

“How was your sleepover?” he asked, smiling broadly.

“It was great, I really like Delphine, she’s a good friend.”

“That’s good.”

“Yeah.”

“Cosima?”

“Yes?”

“It’s my birthday next weekend, do you wanna come over and play some board games with me and a few guys?”

“Scott,” I whispered, taking a sip of my smoothie. “I’ve got a job.”

“You do?!”

“Yeah.”

“Wow, that’s… unexpected.”

“Thanks dude,” I said sarcastically, rolling my eyes at him. “Is it really that shocking?”

“Kinda,” he chuckled, scooting a little closer. “Where?”

“The Rabbit Hole.”

“That comic book shop?”

“Yeah,” I beamed, my eyes sparkling with excitement. “Four hours a week on Saturday mornings.”

“Cool! Does that mean you can get me a few comics for free?”

“Sure, I’ll bring you one for your birthday.”

“A… awesome,” he smiled.

We stared at each other for a second, until Scott did something that I had never expected from him in a million years. He launched forward, cupped my face in his hands and pressed his lips against mine, kissing me without any gentleness, so clumsy and inexperienced. My body froze in its seat and I inhaled sharply through my nose as my eyes grew wide. What… the… fuck! This is not how I had imagined my very first kiss and a feeling of anger bubbled up inside me. I had the right to share my first kiss with a girl who is special to me… a pleasurable first kiss, something that should’ve been a pleasant experience … consensual. He has ruined that for me.

“SCOTT!” I shouted, pushing him away. “What are you doing?”

“Ehm,” he chuckled awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck as a furious flush crept up his face. “That’s obvious isn’t it?”

“I… I…” I stuttered, completely taken aback by his action. “I don’t want to kiss you!”

“Why not?”

“Because… I’m not into you dude.”

“Oh.”

He looks hurt, tears are welling up in his eyes and it makes me feel incredibly guilty. My reaction is not good for his self-esteem and I instantly regretted it.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did,” I smiled, touching his shoulder. “It’s just… I don’t have feelings for you. It’s not mutual Scottie.”

“Yeah, that’s clear now.”

I wanted to tell him, tell him I’m not into boys, but I couldn’t, not ready to come out yet.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, tears filling my eyes at the sight of him.

“It’s okay.”

“I think I’m going home,” I said, standing up. “I’ll pay for our drinks.”

“Okay,” he nodded, grabbing his phone out of his pocket.

I rose from my seat, turned around and walked out of the juice bar, feeling guilty to leave my loyal friend behind. I glanced over my shoulder one more time as I waited for a taxi, and saw Scott crying, his shoulders shaking violently with his head buried in his hands. Fuck…


	8. Cotton

**To:** Delphine  
_Hi! I’m in the cafeteria. Wanna have lunch with me?_

I’m sitting in the corner, on the ground because every table is taken, my legs up to my chest while I’m chewing on the sandwich my mom made me this morning. I haven’t spoken to Delphine and Scott since Saturday night and it makes me feel lonely. Delphine texted me on Sunday morning to tell me that Simon asked her to be his girlfriend. She said yes… and that surprised me immensely. She is not in love, she likes him, but she is not in love. That’s what she told me earlier and I believe her, so I don’t understand why she agreed to a serious relationship right now. It’s not fair to him or to herself.

**From:** Delphine  
_Hi Cosima! I’m sorry but I’m having lunch with Simon. See you at Biology? X_

I threw my phone in my leather backpack and let out an exasperated groan. I don’t get to talk to her as much as I want, because she’s constantly with her boyfriend and I don’t feel comfortable talking to her in class. We can’t exactly talk on the phone either, so our conversations turned into digital ones and they’re a little short too, because there’s no real interaction and I can’t read her body language through texts. Texting is just not really my thing, so I only communicate through texts when it’s absolutely necessary. I mainly use my phone for pictures and silly games.

I let my eyes wander around the cafeteria and spotted Delphine when she walked away from the counter and into Simon’s direction. He’s sitting with his friends, drinking coffee and eating something that looks like pizza. A huge grin formed on his face when Delphine positioned herself in his lap and kissed him in front of everyone. She’s definitely not shy about expressing her feelings for him in public. Delphine ended the kiss after a few seconds, and locked her eyes on mine. I could feel my cheeks heat up, because now she knows I’ve been staring at them and watched them while they kissed. Delphine didn’t seemed bothered by it and gave me a bright grin as she waved at me. A wave? What does that mean? Is she just saying hello? Or does she want to talk to me? I’m not sure.

I slowly rose to my feet, straightened the fabric of my long skirt and picked up my backpack from the floor before I walked into Delphine’s direction. It’s been a fairly hot summer this year and it’s still not cold outside, something I’m happy about, because I can wear my skirts and dresses a little while longer before the temperatures will drop.

I was almost there, Delphine’s table was only a few metres away from me, but I would never make it that far, because I suddenly tripped over someone’s leg, crashed to the floor and landed on my chest first. The pain I felt knocked all the air out of my lungs and I gasped in horror when a cold breeze brushed over the back of my bare thighs. I couldn’t move, completely frozen and in a state of shock, with my skirt down around my ankles, the fabric twisted around someone’s foot. I slowly opened my eyes and saw Lizzie and her friends laughing at me, laughing so hard that tears rolled down their cheeks. Tears sprung into my own eyes as well when I looked at Justin, who tried to free his foot from my skirt and shook his head in amusement.

“Cosima wears white granny panties guys!” he hollered, standing up from his table, clapping his hands together to draw all the attention to me and himself, demanding recognition for his heroic act.

I slowly tilted my head up and locked eyes with my blonde friend. Simon’s friends were laughing too, but Delphine and Simon himself looked at me with horror in their eyes, their faces had lost all color. I quickly screwed my eyes shut and a sob escaped my mouth. I wanted nothing more than to stand up, pull my skirt up, and smack Justin in the face, but my body was not cooperating at all. It was only a matter of seconds until two soft feminine hands pulled my skirt up over my butt and lifted me off the floor. I peeked through my eyelashes and saw mister Davis, the old fossil from History who gave me detention for not listening to his story, screaming at Justin, his saliva hitting the boy’s face before he grabbed the teenager’s arm and dragged him out of the cafeteria.

“NO!” I saw Lizzie screaming at the old man, her face growing red with anger. “This is disrespectful!  You can’t treat him like that!”

He ignored her and left the cafeteria, pushing Justin through the swing doors. I glanced over my shoulder and met Lucy’s warm eyes. She gave me a soft smile and squeezed my upper arms before she escorted me out of the cafeteria as well.

“Are you in pain?” she asked, leading me into a nearby empty classroom. I could only nod and sat down in a chair while tears streamed down my cheeks.

“Where does it hurt Cosima?”

This is what I miss the most, hearing a soothing voice when I’m upset. I miss hearing my mom’s the most, because I still remember what her’s sounds like.

_My chest_ , I signed as another sob erupted from my throat.

“You landed on your breastbone, am I right? I saw it happening.”

“Y…yes,” I hiccuped as my cries grew more hysterical.

“Can I look?”

I nodded and straightened up a bit, allowing Lucy to open my printed zip up hoodie. I closed my eyes again, thankful for the fact that I decided to put on a tank underneath when I was dressing myself this morning. I like Lucy a lot and I consider her my friend, but she’s still my teacher. She doesn’t have to see my bra when it’s not necessary. A squeeze of my hand made me open my eyes and I immediately focused my gaze on her lips.

“There’s already a big bruise forming Cosima,” she said, offering me another smile. I looked down and saw that my skin had turned blue and yellowish. Fuck.

“I can get you an ice pack if you want.”

_No, it’s fine._

“Cosima, this is not fine. This needs to stop sweetheart.”

_I don’t know how. Justin hates me._

“I’m not good at sign language, can you please speak to me?”

I shook my head and kept signing, my hands flying through the air as I allowed my thoughts and emotions to come out.

_Justin just has a hard time at home okay? His mom is an alcoholic and his dad left him, he’s really sad and angry._

“Cosima… please stop signing.”

_It’s so unfair to him and I guess he just hates me, maybe my looks reminds him of his mother. I don’t know Lucy. He has anger issues and I totally get it,_ I continued, sobbing uncontrollably. Salty tears streamed down my face and landed on my top, soaking the fabric while my chest constricted painfully.

“Cos, calm down honey, you’re on the brink of a panic attack.”

_I don’t wanna come to school anymore Lucy. I wanna be homeschooled from now on. I’m gonna ask my dad to hire someone who can teach me and also speaks sign language, so I don’t have to talk anymore._

“Cos… please, talk to me.”

_I hate myself Lucy. I hate myself for being deaf. People hate me for being deaf. I don’t wanna speak anymore. I want the bullying to stop._

“Okay, that’s it. I’m gonna call your mom.”

* * *

 

White cotton, black cotton, white cotton, black cotton, white cotton, grey cotton … it’s all I have. All the girls at my school wear thongs, even Delphine wears those sexy lacy ones. I’ve seen them when she stayed over last weekend. I’ve never really understood why girls would want to wear those things. I mean, it’s not like someone other than yourself will see it and it can’t be comfortable right? I truly don’t understand, but apparently, white granny panties aren’t socially accepted either when you’re in high school. Granny panties… right… I don’t wear those, my panties are simple and they don’t show much skin, yes, I’ll have to admit that, but they’re not that big and unflattering.

I was still rummaging through my underwear drawer when my mother walked into my room, looking a lot calmer than an hour ago. She was completely distraught after Lucy had told her what had happened and my mom kept asking questions once we were in the car, but I refused to talk about it.

“Mom!” I shrieked, covering my naked body with a towel. My mother had encouraged me to take a shower after we came home, to calm myself down and relax a bit.

“Oh sorry sweetheart,” she apologized, holding two cups of steaming hot tea in her hands. “Do you need privacy? I can come back later.”

“No,” I whispered, taking a deep breath before I put on a simple pair of white cotton panties. “Come in.”

“How are you feeling Cos?”

“Better.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“That’s good sweetheart. I’ve made you some tea,” she smiled, sitting down on my bed.

“Thank you.”

I shuffled towards the bed, picked up my bra from the pile of clothes and put it on, fastening the clasp behind my back before I pushed the straps over my shoulders. Delphine wears lacy bras and they look beautiful on her. It makes her look so grown up. Mine are all made out of cotton with a tiny bow between the cups, but without any prints. Very simple and nothing special.

“Cosima,” my mom said, touching my wrist to get my attention. “That one doesn’t fit anymore baby. It’s too small.”

“Yeah, I noticed that too. It’s not only this one that doesn’t fit anymore though.”

“No?”

A huge smile formed on her face and her eyes lit up as she let out a deep sigh. I can tell she’s relieved about this. She still thinks the treatment caused a lot more damage in my body than my doctors are telling us.

“No.”

“Since when?”

“Two weeks?” I shrugged, putting on my favorite jeans. “Maybe we should go to the mall this Saturday to buy some new ones? You can pick me up at The Rabbit Hole after work?”

“Of course.”

“Mom?”

“Yes?”

“Is it…” I started as I felt a blush creeping up my face. “Is it okay if I also buy a few thongs?”

I don’t know why I’m feeling embarrassed. I can ask her everything, she doesn’t judge and she’s always reasonable. My mom is my best friend and she knows everything about me.

“Of course Cos, but only if you want them because you feel ready, not because of what Justin said when you tripped over his leg.”

Okay… yeah… she knows me better than I know myself sometimes.

_No, I’m not a kid anymore mom! I’m seventeen and I wanna wear those things._

“Okay sweetheart,” she smiled, sipping her tea as I put on a sweater. “Then we’ll buy you a few thongs this Saturday. No problem.”

_Don’t tell dad._

“The only thing I’m gonna tell your father is what happened at school. What Justin did.”

I sat down next to her and picked up my tea from my nightstand, blowing a puff of cold air over the hot liquid. We sat in silence for a few minutes, until my mother reached for my hand and squeezed it gently, asking for my attention once again.

“Why don’t you go with Delphine?”

“Delphine?” I asked, raising my eyebrows at her.

“Yes. This is a nice thing to do with a friend Cos.”

“I don’t know. Delphine has a boyfriend now and she’s spending a lot of time with him, but I’ll ask her.”

My mom pulled me against her and kissed the top of my head, rubbing my back with both hands.

“You know, dad and I were discussing this earlier. We wanna go on another trip during your Christmas break and we thought that maybe, you would like to invite Delphine to come along with us? So that you’re not constantly by yourself at the swimming pool, like last year.”

“Mom,” I sighed, rolling my eyes. “Christmas is two months away.”

“I know sweetheart, but we thought it might be nice for you to know, so you’ve got something to look forward to.”

“Yeah, you’re right. It’s a cool idea. Where are we going?”

Please say Seychelles… I hope that Carmen will be there too, so that Delphine can see her and maybe get her number for me. She’ll do it, she’s confident enough. A swarm of butterflies erupted in my stomach at the image of Carmen in her pink bikini… oh my God. I never thought I would see her ever again.

“We don’t know yet. We don’t wanna go back to the Seychelles, we’re thinking of something closer to home if Delphine will join us.”

Damn.

“Okay, sounds cool.”            

My mom suddenly stood up from the bed and walked towards the door, opening it to answer my father, who had probably just come home from work.

_Cosima_ , she signed with a big smile on her face. _Delphine is downstairs. Dad asks if she can come up?_

“Delphine?” I whispered, furrowing my brows, but my mom already left the room and the blonde French girl walked in a second later.

“Hey,” I smiled, standing up as she ran towards me and pulled me into a tight embrace.

“Oh Cosima, I’m so sorry for what happened to you.”

“It’s okay,” I shrugged, holding back another round of tears.

“What?” she huffed, sitting down on my bed. “Do you even realize what happened to you?”

“Yeah.”

“Justin let you trip over his foot Cosima! On purpose! And it pulled your skirt down! You were in your panties on the floor, exposed to everyone in the cafeteria.”

“Yeah, I was there, thank you,” I groaned, biting my lip.

“It’s not okay. How can you be so chill?”

“Because I don’t know any better?” I laughed sarcastically.

“Merde Cosima.”

“Let’s not talk about it okay?”

“You always refuse to talk about the bullying you’ve to endure.”

“Yes, and if you’re my friend than you’ll have to respect that.”

Delphine screwed her eyes shut and took a deep breath before she opened them and gave me a warm smile.

“You’re right,” she said, touching my shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

“Delphine?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you wanna go to the mall with me? This Saturday? I need new bras,” I whispered, blushing furiously.

She gave me a sweet smile and squeezed my hand.

“Sure.”

I’m not sure if I’m happy about this. I don’t feel very confident about my own body. I’m still a little underweight and I don’t have the same feminine curves as Delphine yet. It made me feel incredibly insecure when she dressed herself in front of me after a shower. She’s so tall and she’s got a nice round butt, round hips and full breasts. She looks like an adult already and I look like a fucking thirteen-year-old kid… still way too skinny, no ass and small boobs. I seriously hope I’ll get another growth spurt very soon, because this is not cool.

“Cosima, Simon and I are invited to a party Saturday night and we thought that maybe… you would like to come with us?”

I sucked in a breath and my heart began to beat wildly. A party? Me? No way. I can’t go to a party. I’m not gonna dance there, I mean… dancing with Delphine in my bedroom was great, but I’m not going to make a fool out of myself in front of all the others.

“A party?” I laughed. “No way Delphine. I’m not going to a party where I can bump into Lizzie and her followers. Thank you very much.”

“Lizzie? No, Cosima, it’s not a school party. It’s hosted by Simon’s best friend, Liam, from his basketball team. Lizzie and the others won’t be there.”

“Oh.”

“It’s at Liam’s house. You can bring Scott if that makes you feel safer.”

“Scott and I don’t talk at the moment,” I whispered, tears stinging my eyes. I really need to text him.

“What? How come?”

I told Delphine about the kiss, how I reacted and Scott’s emotional outburst when I left the juice bar.

“Oh my… that’s not good. You need to text him Cosima. You both feel bad about what happened and you miss your friend.”

“Yeah.”

“Was it a good kiss?”

“God, no!” I groaned, blushing once more. “It was gross.”

“Gross?” she laughed, sticking her tongue between her teeth. “Because it was Scott or because he’s a terrible kisser?”

“Both!”

“Allright, sorry,” Delphine snickered, folding her hands around my neck, squeezing it affectionately. “You know Cosima, you deserve a good second kiss. A gentle one, slow and sensual. A kiss from a sweet girl.”

She slowly licked her bottom lip and traced her thumb over mine, slow and sensual. My heart stopped beating for a moment, a wave of panic swirled through my chest and I quickly stood up from the bed, reaching for my phone.

“So, Saturday night?” I asked with a trembling voice, adding it to my planner.

“Y…yes. I’ll pick you up in the afternoon around 3 to go to the mall okay?”

“Yes, sounds good.”

Delphine stood up, gave me a hug and practically ran out of my bedroom, leaving me behind with a strange feeling in my stomach. What would have happened if I didn’t stand up? She wouldn’t have kissed me. She’s straight, she has a boyfriend and she sees me as her friend… _I_ see her as my friend. I think my brain is messing with me. Delphine is just being nice and trying to encourage me to come out of my shell. She sees me as her friend and she cares for me, it’s all platonic… right?

* * *

I haven’t slept a minute last night, partially because of what had occurred between Delphine and me Thursday afternoon, and because I was extremely nervous for my first day at work. I completely blacked out the first hour at The Rabbit Hole and refused to speak to anyone, including Peter, but I became more confident after helping three customers and I’m feeling so happy right now. I still don’t talk a lot to strangers, but they totally understand when Peter tells them that I’m deaf. I never expected adults to be so understanding, it’s so different from how the people at my school treat me, even the awkward teenagers that come here are nice to me.

“Cosima,” Peter said, tapping me on the shoulder to get my attention. “I was thinking, maybe we should get you a name tag? One with your name on it… obviously … and a few words saying that you’re deaf? So we don’t have to tell people all the time if you can’t read their lips, and it also means that I don’t have to stay with you all morning.”

“I ehm…” I started, my eyes widening with confusion.

“It’s not because I don’t want to help you, but being here alone will only make you more confident and independent.”

“I ehm…”

“Just think about it okay? I can make you a name tag anytime Cos.”

“Yeah, I’ll think about it,” I nodded, dumbfounded and a little shocked.

“Great! I’m in the back smoking pot. If you need me, just shout my name.”

A name tag that also reveals my hearing problem? I don’t know. Peter might be right, I don’t think people will get irritated with me if they know I’m deaf, and I don’t have to tell them myself if I wear that thing.

I glanced at the clock and realized it was 12.42 already. I’m almost done and Delphine will be at my house at 3, and that means that I have got a little time left to change into something more fashionable. I’m nervous about going to the mall with her. I’m scared to try on bras, ask her opinion and buy thongs. Do I have to invite her into the fitting room when I’m trying on all those different bras? She has already seen my skinny frame and minuscule boobs when I was wearing my bikini at the waterpark, but underwear seems so much more intimate. Is that a normal thing to do with a female friend?

Someone entered the comic book shop and pulled me back from my thoughts. I shot my head up and pushed my glasses further up the bridge of my nose, so I could see the customer a bit better. It’s a girl… and I sucked in a breath as she walked towards me with big confident steps and a huge smile on her face. She reminds me of someone. I think I’ve seen her before, but can’t put my finger on it.

“Hi!” she smiled, waving at me. She’s around my age, big blue eyes and blonde hair. Way too pretty to be interested in games and comics. She must be here to buy a present for someone. I didn’t dare to speak and gave her a small nod, rubbing the back of my neck awkwardly.

The girl came closer and unbuttoned her suede coat before she threw it onto the counter. It’s a little strange, but I know that Peter has some really weird customers. She’s wearing a tight fitting top and my eyes couldn’t ignore her cleavage. I couldn’t suppress the urge and peeked at her breasts, blushing a bit when I noticed that they were a lot bigger than Delphine’s. Maybe she’s a little older than us, but she’s the same height as I am. Her cleavage is beautiful and I could have sworn that I’ve seen it before… and maybe I did…

Oh my fucking God… it’s the girl in the turquoise bikini I spotted at the waterpark. The girl with the cute butt. What the fuck. What’s she doing here?

“Lots of customers so far?”

I shook my head and blushed even harder. Come on Cosima, you’ll have to talk.

“C..Can I h… help you?” I stuttered, averting my eyes from her. “The newest Garfield came in today.”

The blonde girl stared at me before she burst out laughing.

“You’re kidding me right?” she giggled, touching my forearm. “I work here.”

“Oh,” I gasped, feeling incredibly stupid. “You’re the girl who works from 1 to 5?”

“Yeah, that’s me.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”

“That’s okay,” she winked, making me blush all over again. “You’re Cosima right?”

“Yes.

“And you’re the deaf girl?” she asked, touching her own ears.

“Yes,” I whispered, swallowing thickly. I hope she doesn’t judge me because of my hearing impairment.

“Allright, Peter told me that you can’t hear and that you’re very insecure about it.”

“I ehm…”

For fuck’s sake Peter…

“Don’t be Cosima. I can tell that you’re very smart and you speak very well.”

“T… thank you.”

“So? You’ve got any plans for the rest of the day or do you wanna keep me company while I sell those new editions of Garfield to our customers?” she chuckled, winking at me again. Is she flirting with me or just being nice? God, I’m so clueless when it comes to flirting. I’ve missed every sign with Scott and I’m convinced that I’m also misinterpreting Delphine’s kindness for something else.

“You know Cosima,” she continued, touching my wrist. “Peter always makes a lot of money on Saturdays and I’m sure it helps that there’s a pretty girl standing behind the counter, instead of a weird old hippie. You should stay, because I’ll bet that we can sell a lot together right? Two pretty girls behind the counter instead of one? That’s gonna earn him a lot of money.”

I let out a snort and rolled my eyes at the girl in front of me. I don’t think no one other than my parents has ever called me beautiful. Who is this girl and where does she come from?

“You haven’t told me your name yet,” I said, surprising myself immensely when I automatically signed the words as well. This is new, it always takes me a while until I feel comfortable enough to sign, especially in the presence of other teens.

“Oh I’m so sorry. That’s kinda rude isn’t it?” she smiled, stretching out her hand. I took it and sucked in a breath when she curled her fingers around mine. Her hand is so soft and feminine, very elegant and… sexy? I glanced at her mouth and smiled as her name rolled of her lips. I opened my own mouth and repeated her name in a soft whisper.

“Shay.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yup... I did it. I decided to include Shay into the story. I'm not sure what kind of role she's gonna have in this one (love interest or friend? Idk yet), but I'm not gonna rush Cosima's development now. She'll stay innocent and adorable for as long as possible *wink* Have a good Sunday guys and I hope you liked this chapter :)


	9. Curiosity

“You want me to text her?” Sally asked, putting a cup of mint tea in front of me. “She’s kind of always late. This doesn’t surprise me.”

“Oh no, it’s fine. I’m sure she’ll be here soon.”

I glanced at the digital clock on the oven. Three-thirty, Cosima is thirty minutes late and I’m growing a little irritated. I came straight from work. I wanted to take a shower, but decided against it, because I would never make it on time if I had gone home first. And now I’m here… sitting in Sally’s kitchen, still clad in the restaurant’s black polo-shirt with pink neon letters, and smelling of sweat while Cosima is nowhere to be seen. Sally is good company though, she is extremely intelligent, funny and charming, but I can tell she’s annoyed with Cosima too.

“I wouldn’t be so sure,” she sighed, taking a sip of tea. “I hope everything is allright, it worries me a little you know? After what happened to her a few days ago? What if Justin knows that Cosima works at The Rabbit Hole? I don’t know this guy, but what if he and his friends decided to wait for her outside the shop?”

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat when I noticed a few tears welling up in the woman’s eyes.

“He doesn’t know,” I reassured her, offering her a sweet smile. “Cosima hasn’t told anyone about The Rabbit Hole.”

She shrugged her shoulders and stood up again, glancing out of the window to check if Cosima was already there.

“She’s probably reading a comic and lost track of time.”

“Hmm,” she smiled, sitting down again. “Probably. Cosima told me the two of you are going to a party tonight Delphine. Is it somewhere in the neighborhood? Does Gene need to drop you girls off?”

The two of us? Cosima knows that Simon will join us right? I hope she didn’t miss that part when I invited her. Or she simply didn’t want to tell her mom about Simon…

“Well… actually,” I started, tracing my finger over the rim of the cup. “My boyfriend and I are invited to a party and we thought it would be fun for Cosima too. He’s driving by the way, but thank you for the offer.”

“Simon? Oh. Cosima didn’t tell me he was going too. Is he trustworthy? He’ll keep an eye on you girls once you’re there right?”

“Oui. Of course, it’s just a party at someone’s house. Nothing major.”

“Okay, that’s good,” Sally whispered and she looks genuinely relieved. “Just give me this kid’s address okay? So Gene and I know where Cosima is.”

I nodded and scribbled Liam’s address on the piece of paper Sally handed me, wondering why Jane and my dad never asked for those things. I mean, I totally understand Sally. I would want to know where my teenage daughter is if I don’t know the kid that’s is throwing a party.

“It’s very nice of you to ask her Delphine, it’s good for her. She could use a little social interaction, but I’m not sure if Cosima can handle a party.”

“Don’t worry,” I smiled, taking a sip of tea. “Simon and I already discussed the possibility of Cosima wanting to go home after the first hour, because so many teens in one room might overwhelm her. We’ll bring her home if she wants to go.”

“Thank you Delphine, that’s good to know. I’m a little nervous about this party and I almost told her she wasn’t allowed to go, but Gene convinced me otherwise. It’s good for her to do typical teen things and she has you to support her. It’s all going to be allright.

“Oui, of course.”

“Delphine,” she said after a moment of silence, staring at her cup of tea. “I’m sorry if I’m being too curious, but Cosima and I were watching a movie last night and she told me that your mother passed away when you were a child?”

My eyes grew wide and I could feel my heartbeat quicken, palms sweaty and hands shaking slightly.

“Yes, that’s right.” I nodded, feeling relieved when I managed to say it without a stutter.

“I’m so sorry to hear that sweetheart.” Cosima’s mother reached out and took my hand in hers, stroking my wrist with her thumb. “Was she ill?”

“Yes.”

“Okay,” she said quietly, squeezing my hand. “I’m so sorry Delphine. That must be tough for you, growing up without a mother, especially in your vulnerable teenage years.”

“It’s fine. I’m used to it and my Papa is great.”

It is the standard answer, but it’s the truth. Of course I miss her sometimes, but my father and I get along very well.

“Just so you know, our door is always open darling. If you wanna talk to an older woman, you can always come to me. I know your father has a new girlfriend. I’ve met her at the barbecue, but she seemed fairly young.”

“Yeah, she is super young, but that’s not a bad thing.”

“No, no, of course not. That’s not what I meant,” she said, still holding my hand.

I opened my mouth to respond, because I wanted to tell her that Jane is a nice person, but she isn’t exactly a mother figure. I was cut off when the sound of footsteps running down the stairs filled our ears. Dana, their cleaning lady, suddenly walked into the kitchen with a flushed face and eyes as wide as saucers.

“Sally, look at…” she panted, but stopped talking abruptly when she spotted me. “Oh.”

“What is it Dana? You look like you’ve seen a ghost dear.”

“I ehm,” she blushed, still staring at me. “Nothing, it’s not appropriate to share right now.”

“Don’t be silly. Delphine is a friend of the family. Just tell me what’s wrong? Is it the bathroom sink again? Just don’t clean it. I already told Gene a hundred times that he needs to call a plumber. Don’t worry about that okay?”

“I don’t… never mind,” the woman mumbled, turning around. Sally clearly didn’t want to give up so fast, she’s just as curious as Cosima. The brunette grabbed Dana’s wrist, spinning her around.

“What’s that in your hand?” she asked, pointing at the small light blue colored thing in the other woman’s hand, making me curious too. It looks like a scrapbook or something… or a diary.

“Ehm…. now is not the time Mrs Niehaus” Dana said again as the blush on her face grew more prominent. “We’ll talk tonight.”

“Oh come on,” Sally giggled, snatching the scrapbook out of the woman’s fingers. “Why are you so shy? I always knew you had a creative side Dana, and it’s about time that you share it with the ones around you.”

“NO!” Dana shouted, reaching out to grab it back, but Sally already opened the small book and furrowed her brows in confusion, staring at it with a blank expression on her face. I can’t see what is in it, but I’m certainly more curious now.

“Oh… wow… that’s interesting,” Sally whispered, flipping through the pages. “Very creative and tasteful, but it’s a little too private for us to see. I mean, I’m used to stuff like this, but you should keep this to yourself Dana. Not everyone would understand.”

“It’s not mine,” Dana said flatly, moving to stand behind Sally’s chair.

“Not yours?” Cosima’s mother snorted, still looking at the pictures inside the scrapbook. My curiosity began to burn inside me, but Sally said it was private and I don’t want to be nosy. “Whose is it then?”

“Your daughter’s.”

Sally Niehaus let out a loud gasp and dropped the small scrapbook onto the dinner table as if the material mysteriously burned her hands. “Oh my God.”

I glanced at the pictures and that’s when I finally understood Sally’s shock and words. Nude women, professionally photographed. A very diverse collection that’s been very carefully collected by my friend. Sally is right, it’s tasteful, it’s not pornographic at all, and I’m sure most of these pictures came from photography magazines… or art magazines, but it’s… unexpected.

“Where did you find this?” Sally whispered, her voice shaking a little. She touched the scrapbook again and slowly flipped through the pages, her daughter’s secret world unfolding in front of her eyes. A knot started to form in the pit of my stomach and my heart tightened inside my chest. This is not how it was supposed to go, Cosima’s mother finding out about her daughter’s sexuality through a private scrapbook full of erotic pictures of women. I don’t know why, but I instantly felt sad for Cosima. We’re a bunch of intruders, invading Cosima’s privacy without her being there.

“Under her sheets Sally, I was about to change them,” Dana answered just as quietly, her eyes also fixed on Cosima’s secret book.

“Oh my God,” Sally said again, pointing at a picture of a nude female couple, lying on top of each other while they kissed. “Homoerotic art. I never thought my girl would be into that stuff.”

“It doesn’t mean anything Sally, maybe Cosima simply appreciates female nudity in art,” Dana tried, rubbing Sally’s upper arm.

“You found it under her sheets Dana! It’s clear that no one was supposed to find it and the fact that you found it _there_ indicates that she looks at these pictures when she’s in bed… and we all know what that means right? I’m sure your son doesn’t read the fucking Playboy on the bus!”

I blushed furiously, quickly matching the color of Dana’s face. This is super awkward. I can’t tell if Sally is angry with Cosima or if she’s just shocked. Her facial expression is very hard to read right now.

“She’s just a little curious about love and sex in general. This still doesn’t mean she likes girls.”

“No,” the brunette shook her head. “She does. This… it’s just… I should have seen this coming.”

“What do you mean sweetheart?”

“I’ve always had this feeling there was something different about Cosima, but I couldn’t put my finger on it, what kind of mother am I? I don’t even know something so fundamental about my own kid. My daughter is not a heterosexual Dana, I don’t know what she is, but… I should have known. For fuck’s sake.”

“Sally,” Dana whispered gently. “You couldn’t have known.”

“That’s not true. The signs were there,” she sighed, closing Cosima’s secret scrapbook. “She had a girlfriend when she was six. I mean, how serious can it be when you’re only six, but apparently, it was an early sign. I thought it was an innocent phase, like some kids go through. I never brought it up again and now this… how long is she been struggling with this?”

“Cosima had a girlfriend?” I asked, finally participating in the conversation, trying to steer the attention away from the book. I rather hear a story about Cosima’s childhood.

“Oh yes,” Sally smiled, locking her warm eyes on mine. “In first grade, the girl’s name was Erin and Cosima was enchanted by the girl’s blonde curls and My Little Pony collection.”

The story put a smile on my face and I could totally imagine Cosima being enchanted by a My Little Pony collection. I almost snorted when I realized my version of a six-year-old Cosima wore dreads and had a nosering. That’s weird…

“My daughter always tried to kiss the girl… every morning when I brought her to school, but Erin wasn’t ready for that yet,” Sally continued, chuckling. “But she wanted to be Cos’ girlfriend and they both claimed to be very much in love. It ended after Erin found herself another best friend a few weeks later. To me it was always just a friendship between to young girls, girls who had no knowledge of what being in love really meant, but Cosima is a smart girl and she was devastated. And now that I think about it… maybe she really experienced different feelings for Erin. I’m sure she doesn’t remember that girl at all.”

“It’s completely understandable that you thought nothing of it Sal. She was six years old and knew nothing about love. She never had a girlfriend after that and she has never showed any interest in girls.”

“That’s also not true,” Sally shook her head again. “She did show interest in a girl, but I never realized it when it was actually happening. It happened a year ago, when we were in the Seychelles. There was this girl… and…”

Sally’s eyes are boring into the table, letting her brain connect the dots. She’s remembering Carmen, slowly realizing that her daughter was romantically interested in a girl from Spain.

“And?” Dana asked, encouraging Sally to put her thoughts into words while the realization began to sink in. Memories flooding her brain, shining a different light on them.

“And, I thought it was strange that Cosima kept insisting on going to the pool every morning. She completely exploded when Gene suggested to visit a local market one day. I felt bad for her, we could see her from the balcony of our hotelroom. She looked so alone and lonely on that lounge chair, but I guess she didn’t mind at all actually.”

Dana let out a soft chuckle and Sally reached over the table to grasp my hand.

“I’m so sorry Delphine, this must be a shock for you too. I wanna ask you to not bring it up okay? I’ll talk to Cosima tomorrow. It’s her choice if she wants to tell you.”

“Y… yeah okay,” I stuttered, feeling conflicted. I can’t possibly tell Sally that I already know and I also don’t want to be the person who has to tell Cosima that we looked into her private scrapbook. Merde, this is a fucked up situation.

“Thank you sweetheart,” Sally smiled, putting the scrapbook in the drawer under the table.

“How’s Gene gonna react to this?” Dana wondered.

“I…” Sally sighed, furrowing her brows in deep thought. “I don’t know. He loves Cosima, but…”

She quickly pursed her lips together as the front door opened and closed again. The sound of shuffling feet reached our ears and Cosima appeared in the kitchen a few seconds later.

“Hi guys,” she greeted us, walking over to the fridge to grab a can of diet coke. “Sorry I’m late Delphine, something came up.”

“Something came up?” Sally asked, signing the words as well as she stood up and pulled her adorable daughter into a hug.

“Yeah, I met the other girl who also works for Peter, she asked me to stay and I did,” she shrugged nonchalantly. “I completely forgot about the time. Let’s go to the mall Delphine.”

I gave her a small nod and stood up too, saying goodbye to Sally and Dana before Cosima and I left the house.

* * *

 

The lingerie department of this huge warehouse is located on the seventh floor and this level offers a complete view over San Francisco. It’s absolutely breathtaking. Cosima and I are walking around here for a whole hour and I’m a little frustrated with her. She stopped talking once we stepped inside the warehouse and it took me at least an half an hour to convice her to get herself measured by the professional bra fitter. I have this feeling that she didn’t want me to be there when the twenty-something year old woman measured her bust, but the woman was asking Cosima a hundred questions to put her at ease and Cosima was keeping her mouth shut, just like I had expected. I’ve showed her at least ten different bras, but she didn’t like them all. So, I decided to sit down on a comfortable old Chesterfield to enjoy the view, while Cosima searched for that one perfect bra that doesn’t seem to exist.

“Delphine?” she whispered, standing in front of me with her eyes focused on her feet. “What about this one?”

I looked at the white bra in her hands and smiled when I noticed the tiny pink and red roses on the fabric.

“Cute.”

“Cute?”

“Oui, you wanna try it on?”

“What?”

“You wanna try it on?”

“I guess so.”

“Come on,” I said, standing up before I grabbed her hand and guided her to the fitting area. Cosima stepped into a fitting room and closed the curtain, letting out a deep sigh. She’s obviously not comfortable with all of this and I think that’s kind of cute. I waited outside her fitting room and wondered if Cosima is excited about the party. She hasn’t mentioned it yet.

“Oh fuck,” she suddenly hissed, letting out a frustrated groan.

“Are you okay?” I responded automatically, but didn’t get an answer… of course, and furrowed my brows.

“Oh no, no, noooo,” she whimpered after a few silent seconds, stamping her feet on the floor.

“Cosima?”

“Delphine?”

“Y…”

“That thing got stuck in my dreads.”

“Do you need help?” I whispered, stepping a little closer to the curtain when she went silent again.

“I can’t get it out,” Cosima said, her voice trembling a bit. I hope she isn’t panicking in there. “I don’t know if you’re talking back or if you’re still standing on the other side of the curtain, but can you please come in and help me if you’re still there?”

Oh shit… of course, she isn’t able to hear me. I don’t know why, but I’m still not used to Cosima being deaf. I swallowed hard and opened the curtain the slightest bit, smoothly sliding into the narrow space. Cosima is standing in front of the mirror, her back towards me, and my eyes almost fell out of my skull when I glanced into the reflecting glass. She’s not wearing a bra… Mon Dieu. My brain was screaming at me to focus my eyes on her face, but my eyes weren’t having any of it and curiously roamed over Cosima’s chest. Her breasts are small and her nipples aren’t as pink as mine. It’s the cutest pair of boobs I’ve ever seen in my life… not that I’ve seen a lot of breasts in real life, but whatever. I wonder what they feel like under my hands.

“Delphine?” she whispered, blushing furiously. “I know it’s not…”

I snapped my head up and felt my cheeks reddening when I saw the embarrassment in Cosima’s face.

“No!” I cut her off, offering her a reassuring smile. “Don’t finish that sentence.”

“Yeah… okay. Can you get it out of my hair?” she chuckled, pointing at the white bra that was twisted in her dreads.

“How in the world did you do that!” I laughed, shaking my head in amusement. “Pauvre petit chou.”

“What?”

“Nothing, never mind. It’s French.”

“Oh,” Cosima giggled, staring at her feet as I freed her dreads from the tiny metal hooks. “I see.”

It didn’t take long and I untangled the bra in a few seconds.

“Are you okay?” I whispered, glancing into the mirror once again to make eye contact with Cosima. She gave me a small nod and closed the clasp of the bra behind her back before she slid the straps over her shoulders.

“What do you think?”

“It’s cute,” I smiled, staring at her chest. “And it fits perfectly.”

“Yeah,” she beamed, looking at herself in the mirror. “You’re right. I’m gonna buy this one.”

She took the bra off and grabbed her own off the floor as I curled my fingers around her upper arm, trying to get her attention.

“What is it?” she giggled, brushing her dreads over her bare shoulder.

“Just wait here.”

“I’m not leaving this fitting room without any clothes on,” I heared her chuckle as I stepped outside.

I quickly grabbed the purple colored bra with a bit of lace that I spotted earlier and walked towards the bra fitter.

“Hi,” I smiled, showing her the purple bra. “You got this in a size 34A?”

“Ehm,” she said, folding a few pajama shorts. “I’m not sure. Lemme check for you.”

She took the bra from my hands and walked into the back. I wonder if Cosima wants to try that one too, she tends to go for the colorful teenages ones and I know this one is not a bra she would pick out herself. I’m really enjoying this afternoon, but I’m still hearing Sally’s voice in my mind. This doesn’t feel right. I’ve seen Cosima’s secret book and her mother saw it too… and Cosima doesn’t know. I want to tell her, but Sally wants to mention this to her daughter herself and I’ll have to respect that. Do I need to prepare Cosima a bit? I honestly don’t know.

“34A you said?” the woman said, bringing me back from my thoughts. “Here.”

She handed me the right-sized bra and turned around, shifting her attention back to folding the pajama shorts.

“Merci,” I said and hurried back to Cosima.

Cosima was still standing in front of the mirror when I slipped back into her fitting room. I think I caught her staring at her own chest, because she is blushing madly and quickly covered her breasts with her forearm.

“You need to try this one,” I smiled, strechting out my arm to give her the bra. “I’ll bet the color will look great on your skin.”

“I love that color.”

“I know.”

She put the bra on and turned towards the mirror again, a small smile forming on her face as she looked at herself. It looks absolutely beautiful on her.

“And?”

“I love it,” she nodded, tracing her left index finger over the lace.

“You look a lot more grown up in this one Cosima,” I whispered, placing my hands on her warm shoulders, squeezing them gently.

“Yeah, I feel so…”

“Yeah?”

“Sexy.”

* * *

 

“So, this is where it all happened?”

“Yeah,” she nodded, pointing at one of the tables near the window. “Over there to be precise.”

“Have you heard from him since he kissed you?”

“No, but I’m gonna text him tomorrow.”

“That’s good.”

Cosima took me to her favorite juice bar in town and I don’t like to admit it, but I enjoy being in her presence a lot more than spending time with my boyfriend. And that’s not a good thing…

“Delphine, Peter suggested that I should wear a name tag at work.”

“A name tag?”

“Yeah,” Cosima nodded, a light blush coloring her cheeks as she took a sip of her mango – papaya smoothie. “What do you think?”

“Well… it’s not uncommon for employees to wear a name tag. Does the other girl wear one?”

“No,” she giggled, chewing on the straw. “She doesn’t have to. Shay doesn’t have a disability.”

“I don’t think I understand,” I smiled, furrowing my brows in confusion.

“Peter thinks it will help me become more confident when I wear a name tag that informs the customers about my hearing impairment, you know.”

“Oh,” I sighed, finally understanding her hesitation regarding the name tag. “I don’t know. He could be right.”

“Yes, I think so too. The people that come to Peter’s store are so accepting, but they can get annoyed with me if I can’t read their lips, so wearing that embarrassing name tag could fix that.”

“You can always give it a try right?”

“Hmm,” she nodded, swallowing the last sip of her smoothie. “Shay said the exact same thing.”

“Why don’t you tell me more about this Shay?” I encouraged, raising an eyebrow at her. “She must be interesting enough to make you stay at The Rabbit Hole for two extra hours.”

“She is,” Cosima giggled, rubbing the back of her neck. “You remember that girl at the waterpark? The one with the cute butt?”

“Ehm… barely.”

“That was Shay.”

My eyes grew wide and I successfully managed to suppress a gasp of surprise. A girl that Cosima is attracted to and is also her colleague now? Merde, this lowers my chances. Wait… do I even want to stand a chance with Cosima? I’m not in love with her… she’s a girl. A beautiful, brilliant and funny girl, but still… a girl. I’ve never had a crush on someone of the same sex.

“Delphine?” she asked and I could clearly make out the insecurity in her voice.

“Is she… ehm…” Gay? Hot? Interesting? Attractive?... “Nice?”

“Yes,” Cosima beamed, flashing me a big smile as she gracefully moved her hands around. “She’s nineteen and took a gap year after she finished high school. Her dad bought her a small apartment above a liquor store and she’s planning on going to Asia for a few months, to study something like holistic healing or whatever.”

“Cool.”

“Yeah!”

“But you’re not working together right?”

Please say no…

“Not really,” she shook her head, her eyes sparkling with excitement. “But she asked me to stay and I couldn’t say no… I didn’t want to say no.”

“She lives above a liquor store you said?”

“Yes, why?”

“It’s funny because Liam’s sister lives above a liquor store too.”

“Really?” her eyebrows shot up to her hairline and I could see a hint of surprise in her eyes.

“Yes. What’s Shay’s last name?”

“I don’t know,” she shrugged, gesturing her hands. “I guess it’s Russian, because her father is from a Russian city I don’t know how to pronounce… Sochi or something.”

“Mon Dieu,” I gasped, shaking my head.

“What?”

“Liam is half Russian too. I guess there’s a good chance that they’re related.”

“That would be a funny coincidence,” she giggled, pushing her glasses further up her nose. “Maybe Shay is also at the party tonight.”

Oh my… she could be right. She looks overly happy with the thought alone. Her eyes began to sparkle even more and there is a faint blush spreading across her face… I don’t like this look on her. I don’t like it one bit.

 


	10. Unwanted

I am not sure if this was such a good idea. I mean, of course I want to spend time with Delphine and I love to go to a party with her, but why did he have to come to? He’s not unfriendly, but he doesn’t talk to me and I don’t know if that’s because he doesn’t like me or because I don’t talk to him either. Delphine and I were still in the middle of getting dressed when he picked us up at her place. I don’t think I’ve ever had so much fun in my life. Jane helped us getting our makeup done and Delphine looks absolutely stunning with smokey eyes and lipstick. Simon is one lucky dude for sure, but I still haven’t figured out what she sees in him. He’s nothing special, just another average dude.

I glanced at Delphine, she is sitting in front of me with her arm hanging out of the window. She’s holding a cigarette between her fingers and occasionally brings it up to her lips to take a long drag. It’s incredibly sexy and it’s making me squirm uncomfortably in my seat. I don’t have feelings for Delphine, not really… I think. She’s a beautiful girl with a big heart, but she is not available and that makes it so much easier for me. I can’t develop feelings for this gorgeous French girl. We’re friends and nothing more and I’m fine with that.

Simon parked his car in front of a big house, not as huge as the one I live in, but still big. I unbuckled my seat belt and watched Delphine and Simon talk to each other. They’re clearly not ready to leave the car yet. It’s been this way the whole ride, them talking, laughing and smoking cigarettes, while I sat in the backseat, not being able to understand what they were laughing at or follow the conversations they were having. I know Delphine would never leave me out of a conversation on purpose, but it still kind of hurts.

I reached for the door handle to leave the car, but was stopped by Delphine who turned around in her seat and touched my knee, giving it a soft squeeze. I focused my eyes on her lips, but it was too dark inside the vehicle to make out their movements. Delphine immediately noticed my struggle and turned on the interior light. The action caused me to blush a little. We definitely have grown closer over the past few weeks and Delphine seems to understand me without needing words. I guess that’s because she gets me, because we click on an emotional level.

“Cosima,” she said with a gentle smile tugging at her lips.

I briefly locked my eyes on hers and glanced at her mouth again, encouraging her to keep talking. I don’t want to speak while her boyfriend is listening too.

“I think we should tell Simon the reason why you refuse to speak. I already told him you’re not mute or anything. I think it’s time that we tell him.”

My eyes grew wide and I could feel my heart racing inside my chest. She can’t be serious right? He doesn’t have to know why I don’t talk. He’s not my friend or my boyfriend. I’m not planning on spending time with Simon if it’s not absolutely necessary.

“No,” I whispered, boring my eyes into her hazel ones.

“Cosim…”

“No, Delphine, I said no.”

Delphine studied my face for a moment and gave me an understanding nod when she realized I was serious.

“Okay, let’s go.”

We left the car and I obdiently followed the popular couple walking in front of me. I am by no means a violent person, but a wave of anger rushed through me when Simon draped his arm over Delphine’s shoulder, showing her off as some kind of trophy. I want to punch him, push him away and tell him to back off. She’s not his property! I can’t believe Delphine is okay with this! I quickened  my step and reached out to grab her hand, slipping my fingers through hers. She glanced over her shoulder and gave me a comforting smile, misinterpreting my possessive move for insecurity.

“You’ll be fine.”

It took a few seconds until someone opened the front door of the house. A short girl with blonde hair, green eyes and a lip piercing. She’s smoking a cigarette and shot us a suspicious look.

“Names?” she asked and I could tell by the look on her face that she said it without any friendliness in her voice.

“I’m Simon and this is Delphine, my girlfriend,” Simon pointed at my blonde friend. “And that is Cosima.”

“Okay… let’s see,” she said, scanning the list of names she had pulled out of the back pocket of her ripped jeans. “Yeah ehm, there is no Cosima on the list. Sorry girl, I can’t let you in.”

“What! Why?” Delphine exclaimed, gripping my hand a little tighter.

“Because Liam made a guest list and she’s not on it.”

“What the…”

“Delphine,” I whispered, squeezing her hand. “It’s fine. I’ll text my dad. He’ll pick me up.”

“NO! This is not fine Cosima,” she shouted in anger. I know her anger isn’t directed at me, but I quickly shut my mouth and nodded. “What’s your name?”

“Cindy.”

“Okay… Cindy, I think it’s time that you get Liam now, before things will get a little out of hand over here.”

The girl let out a hard laugh and rolled her eyes at Delphine, shaking her head in amusement, which only seemed to fuel Delphine’s anger.

“Well aren’t you protective?” she mocked, looking Delphine straight in the eye. “Is she your girlfriend or something?”

I snapped my head to the side to watch Delphine’s reaction. A furious flush crept up her face and she opened her mouth to say something, but closed it again when she couldn’t form words. The movements of her mouth remind me of a fish and I giggled at the comparison.

“N..no,” she stuttered, her eyes as big as saucers.

“Whatever,” Cindy shrugged, raising her eyebrows. “Look, I can let you and your boy in, but Dreadlocks isn’t welcome.”

Suddenly, a girl with blonde hair appeared from behind Cindy, wearing a floppy hat and a fur jacket. Oh my fucking God…

“Cosima?” she asked, smiling broadly. “What are you doing here?”

I could feel Delphine’s eyes burning into my skin as I gave Shay a wide grin, pushing my tongue between my teeth.

“Hi.”

“What’s going on here Cindy?” she asked, curling her fingers around the girl’s neck. “Trouble with the guests?”

“Yeah, the one with the dreadlocks isn’t on the list and Blondie is her spokesperson or something.”

“Her name is Cosima,” Shay said flatly. “And I don’t care about a list, she’s welcome.”

“But your brother told me to…”

“I don’t care what my brother told you to do. Come in guys,” Shay smiled, gently pushing Cindy aside. “Just throw your jackets on the pile over there, grab a drink and make yourself at home.”

I don’t know what’s going to happen tonight, but no one can ruin this party anymore… not even Simon.

* * *

 

The room is packed with all different kinds of people, mostly basketball players and their girlfriends. It’s weird that Delphine is now part of that group, and she seems to enjoy it. I know she will never admit it, but she wants to be popular, she wants to fit in. I’m not like that at all, I would like to have a few more friends, not only just Delphine, but being popular is not my goal. Delphine is doing her best to include me in the conversations they’re having with Simon’s other friends, but I don’t feel comfortable enough to talk. I’m also super annoyed with Simon himself, he’s constantly kissing Delphine and keeps introducing her as his girlfriend to anyone who seems the slightest bit interested. Gosh, it’s so pathetic and sad that I can’t bear to watch it any longer and I think I want to go home.

A soft hand touched my shoulder, ending my thoughts. I turned around and gave Shay a lopsided grin, taking the glass she offered me.

“I made this for you. Put liquorish root in it,” she told me as I brought the straw up to my mouth. The orange liquid filled my mouth and I hummed at the delicious taste.

“It’s good.”

“Thanks,” she grinned, taking a sip of her own drink. “Are you enjoying yourself so far?”

“Kinda,” I lied.

“Liar.”

“What! No… I just… I’m with my best friend and her boyfriend.”

“Ah, so you’re the third wheel?”

“Ehm,” I whispered, blushing a bit. “If that’s what you wanna call it.”

“Your boyfriend couldn’t make it tonight?”

I let out a hard laugh and took another sip as I shook my head.

“I dont have a boyfriend, Shay.”

“You should go out with my brother Liam, he’s a nice dude.”

“No, no, no,” I shook my head again, giggling awkwardly. “Thanks.”

“You got a girlfriend then?”

I almost choked on my drink and began to cough when I managed to swallow a sip without drooling.

“No, no girlfriend either.”

“Allright.” Shay shrugged. “There is some really awesome music playing in the other living room. You wanna go there and dance a bit?”

“No, I’m fine. I don’t dance.”

“Liar.”

“I just… I can’t hear music Shay, which means that my dancing isn’t in sync with the rhythm.”

“So?”

She’s clearly not getting it and I let out a deep sigh. It’s frustrating that people don’t understand what it’s like to be deaf.

“I just wanna go home,” I whispered as I finished my drink and put the empty glass onto the table. “I’ll ask Simon and Delphine to drive me back.”

“They’re enjoying themselves Cosima,” she said, pointing at them. They’re sitting on a couch, kissing passionately. Simon’s hands are tangled into Delphine’s blonde curls and I wonder if she’s going to stay over at his place tonight, but Shay stopped my thoughts right on time, touching my shoulder to make me turn around again.

“You sure you want to ask them? I can give you a ride in the Bug?”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

I like this idea. I would love to spend more time with Shay, she’s such a great girl and I have this feeling that we could be friends…

* * *

 

Delphine didn’t take it well when I told her Shay offered to bring me home. She insisted on doing it herself because that’s what she had promised my mom apparently. She ordered Simon to get the car, but he refused and wanted to stay a little while longer, he even told Delphine he didn’t care about me. Fuck him.

I can’t take my eyes off the blonde girl sitting next to me, her elegant hands are resting on the steering wheel. I’ve seen all kinds of different shaped lips in my life, but I’ve never come across lips so sensual as Shay’s. I could watch them move twenty-four seven, they’re so attractive. Since when became mouths so appealing to me? Delphine has some nice shaped lips, but Shay’s… that’s a whole other level.

“Cosima?”

“Sorry,” I chuckled awkwardly, pushing my glasses further up my nose. “What were you saying?”

“Hmm,” she smiled, drumming her thumbs on the steering wheel. “You weren’t born deaf, am I right?”

“That’s correct.”

“I once dated someone with a hearing impairment. Best time of my life,” she laughed, shaking her head at the memories that were flooding her brain.

“Really?”

Wow. If a girl like Shay is open to the idea of dating someone who is deaf… then maybe, someone on this earth will accept my auditive disability too and will love me for who I am. Preferably, a girl like Shay… or Delphine.

“Yeah,” she nodded. “It was just a summer fling. I was still living with my parents at the time. It wasn’t that long ago actually. A year?”

“That’s nice,” I flashed her a toothy grin.

“Yeah, my parents didn’t think so.”

She let out another hard laugh, making me laugh too. She’s so laid-back and it makes me feel comfortable, just like she did this afternoon at The Rabbit Hole. I don’t know how, but I can be myself around her. It feels nice to spend time with Delphine, but Shay… we have something in common. I don’t know what it is yet.

“Why didn’t your parents like him?”

“Her,” she corrected.

“Oh.”

Oh my God… I… I…

“She was like really… loud, you know what I mean? Which is completely understandable, because I guess she couldn’t hear herself during sex. It was super uncomfortable for my parents, but I loved it.”

“Oh,” I sighed, blushing furiously.

“Is everyone with a hearing impairment that loud Cosima?” she giggled, tilting her head to the side to lock her eyes briefly on mine, before she focused them back on the road. “I’ve been wondering that ever since I met her, but I never dared to ask, because I didn’t want to her to become self-conscious in bed. And you’re my friend now. I can ask you.”

“S…sure,” I stuttered. “I mean, we can’t hear ourselves when we laugh or sing, so yeah… I guess we’re also louder than the average lover during sex. I don’t really know. I’ve no experience in that area yet.”

Oh God, I hope I’m not like Shay’s ex… I don’t want to be loud. What would my parents think of me if they could hear me when I’m… oh my God, no, don’t go there Cosima.

“You’re a virgin?”

“Yeah, obvs.”

“Oh I’m sorry. I don’t know why I assumed you weren’t. You’re super attractive, funny and smart. I’ll bet every guy in your class would want to date you or get in your pants at least.”

“No,” I laughed, shaking my head. “They bully me Shay, they don’t wanna go on dates with me.”

“They bully you?” she asked, furrowing her brows. “Why?”

“Because I’m a bookworm and I don’t speak to anyone.”

“That’s not a reason to bully someone. Are there any cute boys in your class? One you would like to date?”

I let out another hard laugh and shook my head again. This girl is pretty straightforward and it makes me curious. There is a weird fluttering in my stomach… a feeling that reminds me of Carmen.

“No fucking way.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know,” I shrugged nonchalantly, but immediately regretted the lie when my stomach dropped and my heart clenched inside my chest. I hate lying to this girl, I hate lying in general.

“It’s because you’re into girls too aren’t you?”

My body tensed up and my eyes grew wide as I shifted in my seat. Is it so obvious? Do I, like, reek of it, or something? We just met today… If she can read me so easily, who else can? Lucy and Delphine both suspected it and now Shay is bringing it up too.

“I knew it! Glad that my gaydar is still working.”

“I’m not out yet Shay,” I admitted quietly, staring at her.

“Why not?”

“Because I’m still getting used to the idea myself. I’m not ready to tell others.”

“Gosh Cos, you need to loosen up a bit,” she said, rolling her eyes at me. “Me and my LGBTQ  friends always gather at my place every Friday night. Why don’t you come too?”

“I…”

“You don’t have to decide right now. Just think about it.”

“Yeah,” I nodded. I couldn’t suppress the small smile tugging at my lips. “I’ll let you know.”

“Cindy is gonna freak out if she finds out that I invited you. She’s super jealous.”

“Jealous? Why?”

“Because she never appreciates it when I’m spending time with other girls.”

 “Oh…” was all I could say for a moment. “She’s your girlfriend?”

“Yeah, kinda, but it’s an on-and-off relationship. She’s not the love of my life or anything, but we’ve fun and I really like her.”

“That’s nice,” I said, putting on a fake smile.

Shit. Shay has a girlfriend and it makes me feel things. Things I can’t put into words yet. I don’t know why exactly, but tears are stinging behind my eyes. I’m not in love with Shay, but I can’t deny that there wasn’t a tiny sprinkle of hope fluttering in my heart when she told me she likes girls too. Gosh, why am I so upset about this? I just met her today. It’s probably just hormones.

“Is this your house?” she asked, changing the topic.

“Yes.”

“Holy shit.”

I let out a giggle that probably sounded way too girly, but Shay gave me a smile nevertheless.

“Thanks for bringing me home Shay,” I said, signing the words as well.

“No problem.”

I reached for the door handle and was about to open the car door when Shay touched my shoulder, encouraging me to look at her again.

“You always leave without hugging your friends?”

“I ehm…”

“Come on,” the blonde laughed, pulling me into a hug. My body tensed up for a second, before it completely melted into her embrace. I automatically buried my nose into her hair, inhaling the unique scent. I think she washes her hair with some expensive shampoo with seaweed. God, it smells absolutely amazing and a soft moan of appreciation escaped my mouth. I would have been embarrassed if I could hear it myself. My breath hitched in my throat when Shay pressed her lips against my left cheek and I felt a strange tightening in my lower abdomen, a wave of heat swirling through my belly. It’s something I first felt when I saw Carmen at the swimming pool and I’ve been experiencing it a lot more lately, since I met Delphine to be honest. Of course I know what is happening with my body, but this is not a good time.

Her soft lips against my skin caused my primal brain to take over and I acted on my instinct before I could stop myself. I brushed my lips over Shay’s cheek, until they found her soft mouth. I captured her lips with mine and inhaled deeply through my nose as I cupped her jaw with a trembling hand, adding more pressure into the kiss. It all feels new, but kissing seems to come naturally to me. It feels right, this is perfect… this kiss gives me all the answers I was looking for. I slowly parted my lips and secretly hoped Shay would take the lead from here. She’s more experienced, she knows what to do. I let out a deep breath and patiently waited for her to add some passion into the kiss, but she suddenly pulled away.

My eyes flew open and I looked at Shay in horror. She’s smiling at me, her eyes are soft and full of understanding. It’s pretty clear that she didn’t want me to kiss her.

“Cosima,” she smiled, touching my knee. “I’m in a relationship. I can’t kiss you.”

“O…okay,” I whispered, avoiding her gaze. My bottom lip began to tremble and I knew I was going to cry within a few seconds. “I’ll see you next week.”

I left Shay’s car in a hurry, ran up to the house and slammed the front door behind me as I stepped into the hallway.

 

* * *

 

“Cosima,” my mom greeted me as she jumped up from the couch. “You’re home early sweetheart.”

I glanced at my father who is sitting in his favorite chair, staring out of the window with a glass of whiskey in his hand. He’s nibbling on his bottom lip and my mom looks upset. I think I’ve interrupted a conversation or an argument. They’ve been fighting a lot recently and even though they keep denying it, I know it’s about me. They’re definitely not on the same page when it comes to dealing with my deafness and it hurts to see them struggle.

“The party wasn’t as fun as I thought it would be.”

“How come honey?”

I shrugged my shoulders and did my best to push back tears.

“Cos?”

“I… I …”

My phone suddenly vibrated in my pocket and I mentally thanked the sender of the message for rescuing me from this awkward situation.

“Cos?”

“Not now mom, I’m going to bed. I’m extremely tired.”

I didn’t wait for a response and turned around, opening Delphine’s text as I climbed the stairs.

_Did you arrive home safely? I’m not happy with your decision to leave without me. I’m super worried about you Cosima. I know Simon didn’t want to drive you home, but you didn’t even ask if I wanted to come with you. You don’t even know this Shay! I certainly don’t trust her._

I swallowed thickly and collapsed on my bed with a deep sigh. I know I should have asked her if she wanted to come home with me, but I desperately wanted to spend some time alone with Shay. I regret that decision now. I would never have kissed her if Delphine was in the car with us, which means I wouldn’t have gotten the chance to humiliate myself. I feel so guilty now. I left Delphine waiting at my house to hang out with Shay at The Rabbit Hole, and now I left her at the party while she clearly wanted to go home with me. Shit…

**To** : Delphine  
_I’m so sorry Delphine. Let’s hang out tomorrow?_

I quickly undressed, brushed my teeth and crawled under the sheets, moaning at the softness. I checked my phone again and let out a frustrated groan when I realized that there was no text from Delphine. I placed my phone on my nightstand and reached under my pillow. A loud gasp escaped my mouth when I didn’t find my personal scrapbook there. My body bolted upright and my heart began to hammer inside my chest. What… the… fuck. It should be here. My heart started to beat faster and faster when I slowly realized that Dana always changes the sheets on Saturdays. I threw the sheets aside, jumped out of bed and lifted the mattress to look underneath it, when I suddenly spotted a figure standing in the doorway. My eyes immediately fell on the blue scrapbook in my mother’s hands and I could feel all the color draining from my face.

“Cos, baby, we need to talk.”

 


End file.
